This Pipeline thing is amazing.
On the one hand, it’s alot of work. It’s not overwhelming work…it’s just a little bit more concentrated than the regular school year for me, and it’s not an unreasonable amount…but it does take focus. Every extra moment I have is spent on the work. It’s easier because Rob is studying for the bar, so we don’t bump into each other too much. It’s also an amazing group of people. I really like everyone…I mean EVERYONE, which if you know me almost never happens. (I get along with everyone, but for the most part I’m probably pretty pessimistic about the asshole ratio in general. I just don’t want to fight with them all the time.) I keep feeling like I’m never going to see these people after Pipeline is over. There’s these monthly colloquia things, but who’s going to have time to catch up with everyone in that short time period? It makes me feel like every moment spent there with every person is precious. I wish I could introduce them to most of you guys…you would love them. All amazingly intelligent and entertaining and witty and just good people.
On the other hand, there is this amazingly intimidating thing going on. Not with the people, mind you. I suppose it COULD be about the people if they weren’t so nice, but I can’t shake this feeling that we’re really all stuck in this together, and I’m not competing with them any more than I’m competing with someone else who buys a Lotto ticket. The thing that’s so intimidating is just GETTING INTO GRAD SCHOOL. There’s a 5 or 10 percent acceptance rate. (which of course, translates to a 90 or 95 percent rejection rate). Theres’ GPA’s and GRE’S, (not to mention the PSYCH GRE, which is a separate test) plus work experience, lab experience, getting published (some people manage to do that before graduate school) presentations, personal statements, letters of recommendation, statements of purpose, (and of course, tailoring those things to your particular schools of choice) and NONE of those have anything really to do with Pipeline, except for they’re trying to hook us up so we do well in those things.
So today someone sees that they’ve posted our pictures in the display case. They’ve put the graduation sash around the pictures, and I look at them and I’m ready to cry.
I’m going to get a degree. I’m going to graduate college. It’s really going to happen. I mean, even if I don’t get into graduate school, I’m going to have a degree. I look at the sash, and the sash goes with the hat and the robes. This is, like, almost 30 years in the making. I so do not take this for granted.
So I was feeling weepy, and was looking for an old poetry piece I wanted to forward to someone about my tattoos to take my mind off of things. I was re-reading it, and it was far too personal to post here…but the last half of it really spoke to me, and gave me the strength and determination to finish this out, no matter how it goes.
= = = = =
I CHOOSE LIFE.
I choose strength and love,
power and pride,
and passion so deep it aches my bones.
I choose LIFE.
the joy of breathing and dancing,
of lovemaking and tears,
of sweat and blood and bone.
I CHOOSE Life.
Not having it like an afterthought.
I reach for that which makes me grow.
I strive for my own needs.
I,
myself alone,
CHOOSE,
an act of power,
of discernment,
of pre-meditated action,
I CHOOSE LIFE
and as I dance and run
and laugh and scream
and spin and drum
and worship
Life marks my dance with color and design
like living neon
like stripes on my skin
like sun on my scales
and I CHOOSE to let her.
Judge these marks all you like.
I choose Life, and these marks show
that Life Chooses Me.
= = = = =
Amen Sistah.
F.A.I.T.H.
Forgetting Appearances…I Trust Her.