Tag Archives: Death

I need to just cut myself some slack.

Uncategorized, , , , , , , ,

This has been a busy busy month.

Of course there’s christmas/yule, and there’s trying to get my act together.  I’ve completely gotten caught up in taking care of our cat, Gehenna, who is 21 years old.  We’re trying to value the time that we have with her, but she’s starting to lose weight and lose weight and not eat, and it’s very distressing.  She got kidney disease a couple of years ago, and we’ve been giving her a subcutaneous drip every night to help take some of the pressure off her kidneys.  She’s been super good about it, and she takes all her meds without too much drama.  She’s adorable, really.  She’s hard to get good pictures of because all-black kitties are notoriously hard to get photos of because of lighting, but this is her:

(I had to edit that top photo and turn up the lighting on it so you could see her.)

So anyway, that’s a thing, and I’m also doing more cooking.  So that means that I’ve had less time for self-care….and I have a tendency to self-neglect, so my self-care is usually the first thing that goes.

I’ve been working from home, too, and Rob has been switching back and forth from days to midnights and back, so figuring out what day of the week it is has been challenging.  I’m focusing on my job, getting and keeping it organized as I go back and forth to work, but it’s hard and I need to be innovative for that, so that also subtracts from my self-care.

Honestly, I considered it a win when I bought a wet-brush and just detangled my hair.  I need a haircut so badly I’ve literally spent time crying about it.  But it feels like there’s no time, each moment of my day is spent caring for us as a family, or caring for the cat like a child.  Gehenna wants to be held all the time, and it’s like having a toddler.  Sure, I don’t HAVE to hold her just because she’s climbing all over me, but if I don’t, how badly will I feel when I don’t have her anymore?

I feel like I just have to accept this is where I’m at and work with that.  So I’m trying to fit myself in sideways.

I’m also trying to deal with myself as an artist.  I have issues with the fact that most of my art isn’t “original art” meaning that I didn’t draw them from scratch from pencil to finished product.  Often I’m taking pieces of ideas from the internet, whether that’s photographs, or clip art, or whatever, and putting them together to make something else.  My friend Risa says that that has always happened, and as long as I’m not taking the original art and claiming it as mine, as long as I’m crediting the original artist, getting their permission if I can, and putting it together in an entirely new medium, then it’s just art because my combination in my medium is something that never existed before.

I don’t know how I feel about it.  I’ve been beating myself up because my art isn’t realistic enough, and then I see images like this by other artists that are beautiful and NOT realistic, and are definitely, DEFINITELY, Art.  (This was on pinterest).

So I’m kind of struggling with the idea that I don’t know what my own art style is because I don’t do enough original stuff, and then I sit down with something to do an original thing, and I just stare at the blank wood and do nothing but hate myself.

I mean really.  I sit there and hate myself and my lack of ability to move forward.

So I’m struggling with that piece of acceptance….just accepting that ALL of this is art.  That it shouldn’t matter as long as it brings me joy, that I should just keep going no matter what, and who and what I am as an artist will take shape on its own.

It’s hard.  I feel like I have a skillset, but not the ability to design.  I guess that’s it.  And no one can be good at everything, right?

And I DID design this thing, even if it’s not very complex.

I should just cut myself some slack.

This is me, learning how to do that.

Lughnasadh 2019

Uncategorized, , , , , , , , ,

Lughnasadh is my favorite holiday, in spite of the spelling challenges it presents. I love this retrospective aspect to it, this kind of leaning on the plow and looking at the fields (“Behold, my field of fucks, and see that it is barren!”) and the work of the year. This is the closest I come to really evaluating how far I’ve come…I really only do this once a year. If my therapist doesn’t make me go deeper, I never really do. I’m too busy moving forward to stand too long and really evaluate it. Mostly, I just look at the year.

First Harvest is your opportunity to Back Out Now Before It’s Too Late. (Not that it’s ever too late. It’s never too late to stop dead and start over.) It’s the opportunity to say, “How much energy am I really putting into this thing? And how much of a harvest am I going to get out of it? What kind of direction is this thing going in?” And This Thing might be a relationship, a job, a hobby, a particular piece of art, it could be anything.

My family has moved many, many times. I stopped counting after the thirteenth move, and I feel like, where most people see stress in moving, I see new opportunities, new people to meet, new places to discover. I don’t mind moving so much.

Or moving on.

One of the advantages of having that lifestyle is that, when you get tired of shit, you just go. Leaving is easy, so much easier than actually sticking it out and working it out. So new job, new friends, new house, new life….whatever. It’s doable. It’s doable at any time.

One of the things I love about Lughnasadh nowadays is the stability I feel. I don’t need to move so much anymore. I don’t need to lose friends and make new ones…my current friends are damned fine people, beautiful people in fact, who are loving and kind and caring and funny and smart, and who don’t take joy in the pain of other people. I like these people. I sometimes worry about adding more, I feel like I don’t spend enough time with any of them, like there’s not enough Me to go around. But when I look at this particular harvest I am amazed with how little effort it takes to receive so much love. I mean, literally, I can just say, “I’m having a hard time today, can I have some extra love?” and they give, give, give in so many ways. This is a good harvest.

My shamanic training is also harvesting well. I wish I could explain it to you, but it’s all too freaky to feel comfortable putting into words. But it brings me joy, and new people to help, and they get really helped by it, not even a little bit. Amazing things happen and I see it evolving. I am grateful as my shamanic vision increases (I’m starting to see things now, so that’s new) and the voices of my ancestors are really clear about doing this thing and not the other thing. It’s such a great place to be.

My job is awesome. A new executive director is coming in and, would you believe it? He’s a gamer! He’s actually made a Call of Cthulu reference! Go figure! And he’s really nice too, and tech savvy, so this should be fun. I didn’t do the work for that particular harvest, other than landing the job and continually doing it, but that counts. I’m grateful.

My marriage kicks ass. For all our difficult conversations, I feel heard and valued. We work together to solve our problems, and it all falls together. I feel supported and loved.

This is a good harvest. Maybe I feel that way because I try to walk the talk as much as possible, and walking that talk brings me to this place. Living my integrity and my truth brings me to the place of balance and peace. I don’t know. But I feel this year I have planted really well. The fruits popping their way out of the soil are the juiciest and sweetest yet.

If your harvests are not bringing you joy, this is your chance. This is where you choose one of three courses of action.

– you back out now and give up on the things that aren’t flowering
– you pay a little closer attention to the things that aren’t flowering and give them a little more energy
– you invest your energy in the things that aren’t flowering, instead of the things that are

Choose wisely. Winter comes for all of us, and you will need things to sustain you. If you evaluate honestly at Lughnasadh, your winter will be easier. There’s a second harvest before the third. You don’t have to cut things dead now if you don’t want to…but you should know the choices that you are making. You should know that you are breathing life into things that may never draw breath. There is nothing wrong with making that choice, nothing at all….but you should be honest with yourself when you make it. The results should not take you by surprise.

I love this holiday because I love the fairness of it. I love how I choose my destiny at this time. I love how the choices I make now have the potential to bring me more joy in the future. I love how my perennials bloom every year with hardly any maintenance at all. I love how I weed every day of the year, so there are no big jobs to plague me at this time. I love the way the coolness of the day starts at sunset, and how watching the sun go down is so relaxing when I know all the hard work is done. I can really rest. My life is really good and I love it.

My wish for you this Lughnasadh is Clear Sight. I wish that you look on your fields with a clear eye and see what is growing and what is not. I wish that you throw your energy into the things that bring you joy, and that you stop tending the things that bring you sorrow. I wish that you see the things that are already dead, and that you also see the things that only need a little more attention to thrive, and that you do not confuse the two.

I wish that you count your Self among your harvests, and that you are pleased with what you see.

I wish the best for you. I wish for your growth, and for your future. I wish for your contentment and peace.

So mote it be.