A friend of mine said, “I can’t wait for your Solstice post,” and I hadn’t really been thinking of one. I’m so caught up in my own junk right now, and having that said to me really reminded me to pull my head out of my ass.

For one thing, there’s no light in there. Welcome to Solstice.

When I write about these things, I always write about what I’m going through at the moment, I just try to put my personal evolution on the page in a way that you guys can kind of follow it and take some steps if you want, or not, and I just try to be understood. I mean, that’s part of my personal damage, needing to be understood. It’s not your job to do that, but it does lead me to a place where I’m constantly explaining and trying. (Yeah. I’m sure it’s trying for you, too.)

Whatever. Anyway, the thing I’m working on right now is Competency.

A friend of mine brought up the stages of Competency once, and I never forgot them, even if I get the labels wrong. He said (and this differs slightly from what the internet says, but I like his definitions better….Unconscious Incompetency, Conscious Incompetency, XXX (the “hot week” syndrome), Conscious Competency, and Unconscious Competency.

Why does this matter? How does this relate to Solstice?

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Well, first let’s talk about what they are. Unconscious Incompetency is living your life, having no idea that you’re doing anything wrong at all. Lots of people stay in this stage forever, and often they have no idea of consciously thinking about themselves. They’re still kind of sleeping, wondering why their life comes out the way it does, and usually blaming fate, or bad luck or what have you. They don’t really look at how their actions affect their lives, or where they can step forward to actually take control of it.

Conscious Incompetency is saying, “I know I’m doing something wrong…I just don’t know what it is.” There’s a period of self-examination, of trying to understand the mechanisms of your life, (or whatever particular problem you’re trying to solve, whether that’s a relationship, your job, your craft, whatever) and you just kind of look at it and try to figure out if there’s a way to do it better.

Stage XXX is the one I can’t remember the name for. He referred to it as “The Hot Week Syndrome,” meaning that suddenly, something is going right and you have NO idea what it is. You can’t duplicate it, because you haven’t figured it out, but something is now working that wasn’t working before, and all you can do is try to figure out what that thing is so you can do it more often.

Conscious Competency is the ability to do the right thing at the right time if you think about it and focus. You’ve now figured out what the right thing is, and you can do it at will, but it’s not automatic. It’s something you have to remind yourself to do, and sometimes you forget…but you can do something about it when you remember to do so.

Unconscious Competency means that you no longer have to think about it. You do the right thing automatically, it’s not even a process anymore, it’s just habit.

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Until you get to the last stage, any of those things can feel pretty dark. You can lament about your life because you don’t know what’s going on, or you can beat yourself up about the fact that you don’t do the right thing automatically, you really have to focus, and what’s wrong with you that you have to even think about this stuff? Why isn’t this just in your head like the rest of the world seems to have?

I mean, first off, they don’t. They’re going through the stages just like you. But honestly, if you’re doing that, YOU’VE ALREADY GOTTEN INTO YOUR FOURTH STAGE. GO YOU. I mean, growing, changing, moving your world around…this is not easy stuff. You have to learn it, incorporate it, figure out how to fit it into your life. It’s work. If you have family and a job, it’s timing, too.

So I’m at this place where I’m trying to get back to the gym more often. I’m in the Hot Week section….sometimes I manage to get up and go, and sometimes I don’t, and I haven’t figured out why that is yet. There are some mornings where I get up and I COULD do it, I could just go, but I talk myself out of it…it’s too cold, I’ll be coming home with my hair wet, it’s too much work to carry all my stuff if I’m going to wash and dry it there….but last week I went in the snow. In the goddamned snow, cleaning off my car and everything. (I didn’t even bring much, and I came home with my hair wet, and wearing a dress with nothing underneath because I forgot to bring a bra and underwear. Nobody could see because I had a jacket on, but whatever…the point is that I went, even completely unprepared, and it was fine.) I don’t know why I managed to do it then, but not on other days when there isn’t snow. I haven’t figured out why this isn’t happening. I mean, I’m getting my sleep, I’m up early. I don’t know. I was going three times a week, then two, and now I’m struggling to not lose the one. I tell myself it’s Xmas, I have to work on presents so I can get them sent out before it’s too late, and there’s some validity to that. I mean, it’s not like people can postpone the holiday for my benefit. It’s just a thing I have to accommodate.

Anyway, Solstice is about the light at the end of the tunnel. The match that lights the candle or sparks the bonfire.

So I’m looking at this saying, “Okay…I haven’t learned to put myself first consistently yet. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don’t. But these people with the presents…I love them too, and I want them to be happy and feel loved.” So maybe my light at the end of the tunnel is that, if I’m putting my self-maintenance on hold, it’s only because I love people, and because I can’t change an arbitrary date on a calendar. And there’s only one more week til that date happens. And then I can go back to working on me.

Technically, I shouldn’t be putting myself off at all, but if I’m going to, I can think of worse reasons than loving other people.

So what I’m saying to you guys is…what stage are you in with your junk? If you’re putting it off, are you doing it because of Love? I mean, maybe you should look at how far you’ve come…how much you’ve learned…how this moment right now isn’t your final destination…you’re still learning and growing, and there’s so many other things to learn and add to your knowledge base.

You’re okay right where you are. Not because this moment is perfect, but because it’s a snapshot of a movie…it’s a blurry picture of who you are because you aren’t sitting still. YOU ARE A WORK IN PROGRESS, and unless you are Unconsciously Incompetent (and if you’re reading this I know you aren’t, because I don’t hang out with those guys they make me nuts) you are an Unfinished Work of Art. Who you are at this moment isn’t going to be who you are next year. I mean, look at how far you’ve come. Look at who you were five years ago. (Or three, or two). To quote Chicha, “*gasp!* LOOK how MUCH you’ve GROWN!”

If you’re in motion, you’re good. I swear. And if you feel like you’re stagnating, I bet you dollars to donuts that your *life* has been still, but your brain is going a million miles an hour, judging yourself for all the things you feel like you should have done by now.

(Like you or anybody else could just flip a switch and do the right thing if you/they could find it. I mean, if it were that easy, wouldn’t we have all done that by now?)

So here’s the secret. You’re flipping it right now. Your arm is extended in the dark searching for matches. You’re judging yourself because it’s dark, but there’s a bunch of other people out there who are just huddling in the dark waiting for it to be over….YOU, goddamnit….YOU are out there feeling around for a match.

Don’t you tell me that’s nothing. That is huge. And you are doing SO MUCH MORE than the people who are just huddling, waiting for you to find it.

(Fuck those guys. If they need your light to function, they’re probably more likely to snuff you out anyway, because darkness is drawn to light. Watch for that. When you get it lit, they’ll blow it right the fuck out by accident. Don’t let them. Protect that thing.)

You just keep feeling around. You’ll find it. And when you do, just keep going.

*You don’t have to know what you’re doing for it to be valid.* You just have to keep trying to do it.

The next stage of competency starts here.

Blessed Solstice everyone. May you find a match and light a spark.