Tag Archives: Blessings

Spring Equinox – 2020

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I’ve been thinking about the Spring Equinox…and what that means in the face of the Corona Virus and Quarantines. I mean, the equinox is a place of balance…it’s in the name, (Equi-nox, equal night) and things feel so out of whack right now. I mean…empty shelves in the supermarket? An inability to buy toilet paper? Who’da thunk it?

But panic is what happens when you don’t trust the people in charge of your well being.

I mean, ask any child who grew up in an abusive household. This is where we’re at, all the disenfranchised folks, whether that’s women, people of color, (any color), the less able-bodied, the elderly, the non-binary, the non-neuro-typicals, the homeless, the poor, the non-christian…all of us have been heading for this point for a long time. This is a dark place this place that we’ve come to. This is a tipping point.

In February, for Imbolc, (and I’m not sure how much of this is actual history and how much of it is my personal philosophy after watching the Wheel turn year after year and observing the cycles) there is a quickening that happens. Imbolc is symbolically the “home stretch,” meaning that, if you survived winter through Imbolc, you were likely going to survive the winter. But it’s also a time period for the planet….if the planet begins to give birth in the spring, when does she get pregnant? At Imbolc. That time period when there is mostly dark, and one spark of hope…which can take the form of a candle in the darkness, the light at the end of the tunnel, or the sperm heading for the womb as the spark of life. Life brings hope. It’s the way of things.

So here we are, heading for Spring, and there is all this darkness. Here comes the equalness of night and day, the balance of the two…and yet everything feels so dark still. Interesting how we have to withdraw, go into our homes, spend time alone with ourselves. How did we get here?

I have my opinions on that, mostly about poor leadership…but I’m not sure at this point in time that it matters. What matters is, what are we going to DO about it?

People make all this fuss about the EQUALITY of day and night at this time, and I find that really ironic. Because that equality, which is absolutely valid, only lasts for a SPLIT SECOND of time. Light is increasing, its sine wave is traveling uphill, and Dark is decreasing, it’s sine wave is traveling downhill, and the equinox is that moment when they cross. That’s it. It’s just a moment. (I mean, I think it was Mr. Miyagi that said, “…it’s not so old if you are a tree….” and in that perspective, the historical perspective, even if night and day were equal for a full 24 hours….that’s one 365th of the year. .0027 of the year…and you get to double that for the second equinox if you like. It’s still a tiny tiny fraction.)

The important thing to me, at the equinox, is “who is rising right now? Who is getting stronger?” and right now, that’s the light. The light is getting stronger.

Stronger light means stronger shadows. It means things can be seen clearly. It means it becomes easier to tell what is what by just looking, without having to work so hard to figure it out.

So take a look at yourself right now, in your panic and anxiety. In your annoyance with those who panic. In your frustration at being cooped up at home. In your disgust at how we treat each other, or what we’ve allowed to come to pass. Take a look at the actions that have been done to defend you or protect you. A look at the actions that hurt you. Politically there have been many promises made…but actions speak louder than words…are you really protected? Are you really cared for? Has this pandemic demonstrated that anything like your situation is being considered? Who is providing for your bills? Your health? Your food? Is your job helping you? Or is your leadership? Is your family? Are your friends?

In this crisis, who has been fighting for you to make sure you are okay? And who seems to just not give a fuck?

The light is coming. It’s dark right now….but one could easily say that this pandemic has showed us the true colors of the people around us. That in itself is enlightening. It is sad, but it is truth. Don’t shut your eyes to the truth.

For the Spring Equinox, I ask that you use the light to truly see what is happening. To see who is taking advantage of you. To see who really cares about your well-being. I pray that you use this light and shine it into the dark corners people sometimes use to hide from the truth.

I hope that what you find doesn’t make you too sad. It is a time of darkness right now, after all. But the light is coming. Like the seeds in springtime, reach for the light.

I pray that you use it to truly see, see all the beauty and all the ugliness….and act accordingly.

…And by “act accordingly,” I mean, “make decisions,” about who and what you keep, who and what you let go…and who (and what) you vote for in the future.

Winter Solstice – 2019

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A friend of mine said, “I can’t wait for your Solstice post,” and I hadn’t really been thinking of one. I’m so caught up in my own junk right now, and having that said to me really reminded me to pull my head out of my ass.

For one thing, there’s no light in there. Welcome to Solstice.

When I write about these things, I always write about what I’m going through at the moment, I just try to put my personal evolution on the page in a way that you guys can kind of follow it and take some steps if you want, or not, and I just try to be understood. I mean, that’s part of my personal damage, needing to be understood. It’s not your job to do that, but it does lead me to a place where I’m constantly explaining and trying. (Yeah. I’m sure it’s trying for you, too.)

Whatever. Anyway, the thing I’m working on right now is Competency.

A friend of mine brought up the stages of Competency once, and I never forgot them, even if I get the labels wrong. He said (and this differs slightly from what the internet says, but I like his definitions better….Unconscious Incompetency, Conscious Incompetency, XXX (the “hot week” syndrome), Conscious Competency, and Unconscious Competency.

Why does this matter? How does this relate to Solstice?

= = = = =

Well, first let’s talk about what they are. Unconscious Incompetency is living your life, having no idea that you’re doing anything wrong at all. Lots of people stay in this stage forever, and often they have no idea of consciously thinking about themselves. They’re still kind of sleeping, wondering why their life comes out the way it does, and usually blaming fate, or bad luck or what have you. They don’t really look at how their actions affect their lives, or where they can step forward to actually take control of it.

Conscious Incompetency is saying, “I know I’m doing something wrong…I just don’t know what it is.” There’s a period of self-examination, of trying to understand the mechanisms of your life, (or whatever particular problem you’re trying to solve, whether that’s a relationship, your job, your craft, whatever) and you just kind of look at it and try to figure out if there’s a way to do it better.

Stage XXX is the one I can’t remember the name for. He referred to it as “The Hot Week Syndrome,” meaning that suddenly, something is going right and you have NO idea what it is. You can’t duplicate it, because you haven’t figured it out, but something is now working that wasn’t working before, and all you can do is try to figure out what that thing is so you can do it more often.

Conscious Competency is the ability to do the right thing at the right time if you think about it and focus. You’ve now figured out what the right thing is, and you can do it at will, but it’s not automatic. It’s something you have to remind yourself to do, and sometimes you forget…but you can do something about it when you remember to do so.

Unconscious Competency means that you no longer have to think about it. You do the right thing automatically, it’s not even a process anymore, it’s just habit.

= = = = =

Until you get to the last stage, any of those things can feel pretty dark. You can lament about your life because you don’t know what’s going on, or you can beat yourself up about the fact that you don’t do the right thing automatically, you really have to focus, and what’s wrong with you that you have to even think about this stuff? Why isn’t this just in your head like the rest of the world seems to have?

I mean, first off, they don’t. They’re going through the stages just like you. But honestly, if you’re doing that, YOU’VE ALREADY GOTTEN INTO YOUR FOURTH STAGE. GO YOU. I mean, growing, changing, moving your world around…this is not easy stuff. You have to learn it, incorporate it, figure out how to fit it into your life. It’s work. If you have family and a job, it’s timing, too.

So I’m at this place where I’m trying to get back to the gym more often. I’m in the Hot Week section….sometimes I manage to get up and go, and sometimes I don’t, and I haven’t figured out why that is yet. There are some mornings where I get up and I COULD do it, I could just go, but I talk myself out of it…it’s too cold, I’ll be coming home with my hair wet, it’s too much work to carry all my stuff if I’m going to wash and dry it there….but last week I went in the snow. In the goddamned snow, cleaning off my car and everything. (I didn’t even bring much, and I came home with my hair wet, and wearing a dress with nothing underneath because I forgot to bring a bra and underwear. Nobody could see because I had a jacket on, but whatever…the point is that I went, even completely unprepared, and it was fine.) I don’t know why I managed to do it then, but not on other days when there isn’t snow. I haven’t figured out why this isn’t happening. I mean, I’m getting my sleep, I’m up early. I don’t know. I was going three times a week, then two, and now I’m struggling to not lose the one. I tell myself it’s Xmas, I have to work on presents so I can get them sent out before it’s too late, and there’s some validity to that. I mean, it’s not like people can postpone the holiday for my benefit. It’s just a thing I have to accommodate.

Anyway, Solstice is about the light at the end of the tunnel. The match that lights the candle or sparks the bonfire.

So I’m looking at this saying, “Okay…I haven’t learned to put myself first consistently yet. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don’t. But these people with the presents…I love them too, and I want them to be happy and feel loved.” So maybe my light at the end of the tunnel is that, if I’m putting my self-maintenance on hold, it’s only because I love people, and because I can’t change an arbitrary date on a calendar. And there’s only one more week til that date happens. And then I can go back to working on me.

Technically, I shouldn’t be putting myself off at all, but if I’m going to, I can think of worse reasons than loving other people.

So what I’m saying to you guys is…what stage are you in with your junk? If you’re putting it off, are you doing it because of Love? I mean, maybe you should look at how far you’ve come…how much you’ve learned…how this moment right now isn’t your final destination…you’re still learning and growing, and there’s so many other things to learn and add to your knowledge base.

You’re okay right where you are. Not because this moment is perfect, but because it’s a snapshot of a movie…it’s a blurry picture of who you are because you aren’t sitting still. YOU ARE A WORK IN PROGRESS, and unless you are Unconsciously Incompetent (and if you’re reading this I know you aren’t, because I don’t hang out with those guys they make me nuts) you are an Unfinished Work of Art. Who you are at this moment isn’t going to be who you are next year. I mean, look at how far you’ve come. Look at who you were five years ago. (Or three, or two). To quote Chicha, “*gasp!* LOOK how MUCH you’ve GROWN!”

If you’re in motion, you’re good. I swear. And if you feel like you’re stagnating, I bet you dollars to donuts that your *life* has been still, but your brain is going a million miles an hour, judging yourself for all the things you feel like you should have done by now.

(Like you or anybody else could just flip a switch and do the right thing if you/they could find it. I mean, if it were that easy, wouldn’t we have all done that by now?)

So here’s the secret. You’re flipping it right now. Your arm is extended in the dark searching for matches. You’re judging yourself because it’s dark, but there’s a bunch of other people out there who are just huddling in the dark waiting for it to be over….YOU, goddamnit….YOU are out there feeling around for a match.

Don’t you tell me that’s nothing. That is huge. And you are doing SO MUCH MORE than the people who are just huddling, waiting for you to find it.

(Fuck those guys. If they need your light to function, they’re probably more likely to snuff you out anyway, because darkness is drawn to light. Watch for that. When you get it lit, they’ll blow it right the fuck out by accident. Don’t let them. Protect that thing.)

You just keep feeling around. You’ll find it. And when you do, just keep going.

*You don’t have to know what you’re doing for it to be valid.* You just have to keep trying to do it.

The next stage of competency starts here.

Blessed Solstice everyone. May you find a match and light a spark.