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MSC 2024

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Thoughts on MSC 2024

I am always transformed in some way by MSC.

You’ve probably seen my annual posts about Midwest Shamans Conference. In public, (meaning on my wall here) I only really talk about it once a year, and usually that is after I have come back. That is on purpose…there is so much energy at this conference and it really evolves you in your healing practice at a much faster rate than normal. That means that, if you’re not prepared for that energy you can be overwhelmed or really jarred. I will only bring one new person with me at a time because a part of my energy is spent in helping that person process. There is just A LOT to process, your own abilities, new knowledge, the way you move in the world, new points of view, additional skillsets, deeper thought…sometimes that stuff is so jarring people shut down, and if I am bringing someone I love (and if I’m bringing them, I love them, because I’m not camping or rooming with people I do not intimately love and trust) I try to make sure they aren’t freaking out or anything. There’s usually at least one meltdown per newcomer, so there’s a little triage happening in my corner of the world, and I need to be able to do MY learning, too. Lots of classes, workshops, elders to get advice from, elders to just catch up with because I miss them, elders to tell how much their words have meant to me and how they changed my life this past year. I can’t fit more than one new person into that every year and still get my own work done. So usually the new person is one of my students that I feel is ready.

There were a lot of newcomers this year. I mean…A LOT of newcomers…we were actually about 50/50 on veterans vs. newcomers. That is huge. There’s usually about a 75/25 ratio, or even less. They weren’t MY newcomers, so I wasn’t responsible in the same way, but you know, you want to make people welcome, make sure they are okay. There’s also kind of a maintenance thing happening there…let me see you here, before this all starts so that when I see you later I have a gauge for if you are your normal self or need some help. I don’t know if everyone else does that, I know that I do.

I also check for huggers, cuz y’know me, and that’s a good energy gauge, too. How do they feel? Are they open? Are they TOO open? Do they love themselves? Love the world? Are they fearful? Intimidated? Sometimes people just need a friendly face to feel anchored and safe at a gathering. There were no really fearful people that I saw this year. There were some closed off folks, which is fine, but no one came completely closed, and all of them in their various stages of growth and work were pretty loving people, so that was neat. It meant a really good vibe for the conference, and kind of a camaraderie as the classes came through that was just SWEET, I mean, yes, in the emotional sense, but what I mean is in the honey and sugar sense…there was this sweetness in the vibe that felt like a nice dessert.

It was my first time really teaching this year. I taught once before as a fill-in for a cancellation, but it was last minute and only one person came that wasn’t from the group that came with me so I didn’t feel like it was a real test of my skills at all. My teaching slot was the first morning slot on Sunday.

At a gaming con, that is the WORST slot. Most people are exhausted, are packing up their rooms, and many of them skip the first Sunday slot, so I was wondering how many people would turn up. I mean, it was fine either way, my ego is not tied into how many people attend…I have a job to disseminate information, and I will do that job regardless of who turns up. I figured if people were meant to be there, they would be there. I also did NOT canvas for my class or even mention (except to Erin because I thought she could use it, and also because she gave me an amazing gift of this anti-itch crème that she had made herself that REALLY REALLY WORKS. Its amazing! Thank you Erin!) to anyone that I was going to have a class. I figured, they had a program booklet. They would find me if they were supposed to. (And also, if a person turns up at a gaming con for that slot, they REALLY WANT TO BE THERE, so there’s always that comfort as well.)

My class was in the Barn, a place where people converge to hang out with food, or shop, or whatever. I walked in and there were so many people I figured they didn’t know class was about to start. “Are all you guys here for my class?” “Yes.” Holy crap. I had about twenty people, maybe even more.

Okay. Welcome to my TED talk.

I had made myself some outline notes so I wouldn’t skip anything. I digressed a lot, but all of my digressions had points. If you’ve ever seen me do public speaking (Hi LARPers!) you know that I pretty much talk just like I normally talk to one person, I just try to make sure I make eye contact with some folks as I do it. I had the benefit of a small area to pace back and forth, which gave me the ability to get out some energy as I was speaking, and also look to see if I was reaching people, and answer questions as they came along.

It was nice in those moments to be able to practice what I preach…to have a question where I had to stop and ask my guides how much I should say, or what pieces of information I was missing. There was one point in the beginning where I said my prayers for all of the guides and all the things, and then someone came in late, so I kind of added them in, and I think when the next latecomer came in I was like, “I’d like to just include all latecomers in this prayer because I can’t stop every time this happens,” and my guides said that was fine. Astraea popped in later in the class and it was nice to have her as backup for further information. Darryl and Jessica were there too, and I should have leaned on them a bit more often. I feel now like they would have had additional commentary or story that would have fleshed some things out more. It takes a village as they say.

I made some new friends, which is always nice and exchanged some numbers with people. People kept saying, “You are so funny!” and I was like, “Why do people always say that?” I’m never really TRYING to be funny, it just kind of happens, and I get so focused on the message that I don’t really notice that people think I’m funny until they tell me. I never feel laughed AT or anything…I just genuinely don’t know what was funny and it’s kind of like I missed a joke that I myself told, lol. (Which ironically, I feel is really funny.) People said it’s my delivery. I feel like maybe it happens because I love myself and I admit my mistakes or my confusion without embarrassment and maybe we all just identify with that, and that makes it funny. There’s this kind of universal experience in the shamanic world where our head kind of spins around for a moment going, “WTF was THAT?” and we have to digest it. It’s funny because it’s true.

The important piece, though, is that people were taking notes, writing things down, taking that home with them. To see that something I said (and I don’t get caught up in what those things are so I don’t really know, I just keep talking so I don’t lose the flow or derail my train of thought) so resonates with people that they all suddenly start writing…that is what is supposed to happen. At the end I asked my guides if I had missed anything and they said no. Then they said I did a good job and they were very proud of me and I felt this wave of love from them and I almost burst into tears at the end. It was this very palpable love burst. I have the best ancestors and guides, they are so good to me.

Afterwards several people came to speak to me about it (hence the, “you are so FUNNY,” comment from earlier because I heard that more than once) but some of the connections were deep and I’ve already been on the phone with a couple of them (and more calls coming today). It’s nice to see people rooting into The Work. It’s sad to have to tell them that there are no shortcuts, that it is rewarding work, but there are no shortcuts, not if you want the results you are looking for.

Some people said, “I didn’t know you were an Elder,” and I was like, “So that’s kind of a funky word. To my knowledge we don’t have a croning or elderhood ceremony. I’m not sure if the people I call Elders would call me that yet. I’m kind of at this in-between stage because I’ll be 60 next year. But there’s a book that’s good to read about it. The word means different things to different people, but I’m not caught up in the title, so you can call me that if you like, or not. I just don’t want to claim a title that might not belong to me or pretend to have a status I do not have,” and I told them about Joy’s and Lillith’s book and about some important bits in it. (Amazon Link here: https://www.amazon.com/Heart-Elder-Elders-Their-Influence/dp/1912241048 ).

Most importantly I told them that when you come to MSC it feels joyful. You have finally found a place where you can talk about all the things that are happening to you and not be told you’re crazy, and that is energetic and fantastic, and you just want to get it all out, to share it all because you have no place else to put it. “And I get that, I really do because we all go through it. But what you really came here to do is LEARN. And you cannot learn and speak at the same time. If you interrupt an elder when they are speaking, they may stop, and then whatever piece of knowledge they were about to give you it is GONE. Poof. In the wind. We don’t know how long we will have our elders, and when they pass, all the knowledge that they have will also pass. If you don’t want to lose that opportunity, you need to listen to them more than you speak, no matter how joyful those words are, no matter how happy you are to finally be heard…if they are speaking, don’t interrupt, just listen.”

It’s super tough to do. I mean, I’m sure I probably do it all the time. But certainly a lot less than I used to. One of the things I have really loved about learning from Joy is the respect for the pause in things. Taking time to chew on words before you speak them. That the silence before speaking is respect, respect for you, for your time, for your question, because the question requires thought, it deserves thought, and that pause is so that you can mean what you say when you speak. It’s a beautiful thing.

I guess my transformational piece this year is the confirmation that my ego is not really caught up in this work. I suspected that because I was working towards it, but to see for myself and FEEL that I’m not caught up in whether or not I’m an elder, or even whether or not I am teaching, whether or not people come to my class, that I’m just looking to deliver whatever message Spirit feels I need to be giving at that time, that’s lovely. To see it well received and valued is even lovelier. I feel like I am where I am meant to be at this time, and that, also, is lovely.

Life is good, and I am content.

Thank you Joy, for allowing me to teach at your event. The event itself is a blessing. To be allowed to contribute even more so.

When you feel peck-ish

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I’ve been thinking about this for a while…I posted it on one of my spiritual groups, but not all of my friends are on that, and this is actually more materially based, kind of. I mean, the mental maintenance is a little of both…mental stress can cause physical illness or dysfunction in the workplace, but it can also get in the way of spiritual processes…we can be too stressed to meditate, pray, study, or whatever it is we do to bring ourselves closer to Wholeness, Oneness, or our Deity of Choice.

I remember when I was doing a lot of martial arts study (there was a period in my life when I spent a few years doing this, that or the other, until I fell into Kung Fu like a big fluffy bed and lived there for the longest) that I realized that people do with their mind what they do with their body. Those people who were manically focused on defense were also manically focused on not letting anyone become close to them emotionally. (Ironically, I was super focused on in-fighting and blind-fighting. There is something super fascinating to me about being able to hit a target I’m not looking at. So I guess that translates into being super-aware of my world, possibly manically so…but it’s never been out of fear, its been out of enjoyment. It feels like when you’re fishing and a fish strikes the line…it’s this hyper-focus thing… in-fighting, is this super-intimate kind of sparring where you’re really close together and don’t have room for a full swing, so it’s all elbows and wrist strikes. Make of that what you will…I’m digressing.)

So anyway, in the same way I do microcosm-macrocosm thinking, I do the same thing with mind and body, back and forth, and always with a martial arts head…how is my stance? Am I stable? Do I retain my physical power/personal power in this physical stance/emotional position? Am I wasting energy? And (in the way of the Eastern arts) is this beautiful to me? Do I feel at peace?

Fast forward to the last year, where I am having regular conversations with a nutritionist. All of the major stuff is not important to this particular topic…what IS important is an off-hand comment she made as a hint for how/when to eat. “Do not eat when you are hungry,” she said. “Eat when you feel peckish.”

I, like many of you, lead a busy life, and I have many responsibilities both at work and at home that kind of forced me to not think about eating. In order to eat her recommended 5 meals a day I had to set an alarm on my phone and force myself to eat, even if I wasn’t hungry.

This was hard. It felt stupid. But I did it. And eventually I started learning to notice that I was starting to feel hungry and I put it aside because I just wanted to finish this project I was on. The same thing was happening with taking a pee break….I kept thinking, “let me just finish this one thing,” and then a phone call would come, and then I would get caught up in a project, and all this time would go by when I would suddenly go, “omg I really gotta pee,” and have to go right away. I was doing this with my hunger, putting off eating until I was really really hungry, and then eating an enormous amount to deal with it, which really isn’t good for your body.

So recently, I made one of these mind/body connections that I’ve been sitting on to really digest, as it were. Because what I’m doing with my body, I’m doing with my mind.

My job has become more stressful this year for multiple reasons, and there is EVERY sign that this is going to get worse before it gets better. High Holy day season starts now in the back office, and that means the workload and expectations will only increase, and help is not coming. I have to evaluate that seeing as stress is one of those things that really impacts me in a bad way. (I lose sleep, I get sick, I cry, I feel powerless and helpless, and I don’t want to do that to myself this year.) I was thinking about how to maintain it, and this kind of light bulb went off in my head.

Don’t self-maintain when you NEED it.
Self-maintain when you’re THINKING about MAYBE needing it.

I wasn’t sure if it was valid or if it would work, so I started incorporating it into my practice. I had a day where I was just having a hard time with the idea of going to work. I knew I could make myself do it, it was what I had always done before, but for a change I decided to take a mental health day. I didn’t have any plans, I just was going to stay home and do whatever my body wanted to do that day, and I followed it around the house, sometimes cleaning, sometimes cooking, sometimes napping or playing video games. But I let it kind of steer me around and do what it needed and the next day when I came back to work I was SO refreshed…like, way better than a weekend. I had “topped off my tank” and this has lasted more than a week now, in spite of other stresses, so I’m going to say it works.

I’m spending more time listening to my body lately. I’m checking in with myself during my work day. I imagine that, for people that had normal, healthy upbringings (the 2 or 3 of you that are out there, I’m sure you must exist) that this is second nature to you…but for me, when you grow up in a dysfunctional environment survival trumps EVERYTHING… you put all your needs on hold to survive. But I’m not just surviving anymore, I’m learning how to really THRIVE, and if I’m going to do that, I can’t keep acting as if I’m barely surviving.

My stance is good. I am balanced. I’m at peace. Thriving is like blind-fight sparring. You can’t really see what’s coming, but there’s these beautiful moments of connection where the world comes together and you can see your place in it. With practice and care, nobody gets hurt, and there’s this sense of surfing the currents of the world.

Take the break when you think you MIGHT need one, not when you are SURE you need one. The break can be taking a work-from-home day, or a full day off. It can be calling a friend on your lunch break. Or reading a book. Or whatever brings you peace. Bring your artsy-craftsy stuff to work and go in a back room to do it, or sit in your car. Anything. But BEFORE you NEED it. As soon as you START WONDERING IF you need it.

It makes more of a difference than you think it will.

I wish you peace, contentment, and a good, strong, balanced stance.