Tag Archives: deep

Healing and Echoes and Strings (oh my)

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So this place where I am now….I’ve been thinking a lot about emotion. I’m gonna get witchy here for a few moments. If you don’t believe in that stuff, that’s fine, the belief isn’t important for the concept. I’m going to connect some seemingly unconnected dots.

Let’s start in the real world. If you are in a room full of string instruments, and you play a note, say an A, then every instrument in that room that has a string tuned to an A will start vibrating. Or rather, their A string will start vibrating. All of them. Even if that string is tuned to a different octave of A, they’ll all vibrate. Science shows us this, and it has to do with sound wavelengths.

I’ve always found this an interesting metaphor, because when we go out and show our weirdness, other people with the same weirdness vibrate too. Shit, have you FELT the energy around any kind of convention that addresses your particular weirdness? Steampunk, Anime, Gaming, Comics, Movies, Disney, …fuck even let’s say Antique Cars, or Yard Sales. There’s this kind of energy that happens when you love those things and you talk to someone else who loves those things. (Especially when you talk about WHY you love those things. That turns up the volume somehow, I’m not sure why.)

= = =

In the Non-Ordinary Worlds there’s a lot of things that can affect the power of someone’s magic. How much you believe in yourself, love yourself for example, can absolutely effect things…but your emotional state at the time of the work absolutely affects things in an extreme way. If you are angry, or frightened or worried or scared, or in need, those feelings have this kind of vibrational level that amp things up somehow.

I heard two of my Elders speaking a couple of years ago (I will quote you if I am allowed to, you know who you are, but without your permission I will not) and one said something that stuck in my head and sent me on a meditation journey that lasted several years. She was talking about a candle, a small candle like a tea light, and she said, “It’s as big as the Heart of the Sun.”

I felt like that was truly important…and originally when I thought about it I kind of felt like it meant that every flame, no matter where it is or how small, has the desire to become as big as it can, that they all have the potential for growth and the desire to consume, and later I came to realize it’s not that at all.

I mean, that’s true…but it’s not that at all.

What it really is is that every fire in the world, in ALL the worlds, started somewhere as a spark, and every spark kind of has the memory of what it is to be that huge. Not all of them WANT to be that big, but they all REMEMBER it, it’s kind of in their DNA, and they can, if they want to or need to, expand in the Non-Ordinary realms, to be bonfire huge, or planet huge. And it’s not difficult to do, or even a stretch, because it’s part of the essence of what they are. Fire burns. That’s what it does. When you look at the SPIRIT of fire, it doesn’t matter how small the fire is…the spirit of it, the energy of it, is this twisty, dancing burning thing of light and heat. It is always that thing. It is never not that thing.

I started thinking about other elements then. Does every drop of water remember the ocean? Does every grain of sand remember the planet? Does every breath or whisper remember the Hurricane?

Yes, yes, yes.

“Okay. Great,” I said to myself. But what does it mean? It feels very important…And it has something to do with those strings echoing in a room…how does it connect?

= = =

People say, “Think globally, act locally.” There’s validity to that. Healing the planet (and the planet, not just the greenhouse gases and climate change, but the animals on it, including us, we need healing) is such a huge job that individuals can’t do it. But if all of us heal our little circle of people, eventually that ripples out to the planet. Eventually things get fixed. There are too many humans that are shitty to other humans, and that means everyone from racists and transphobes to bullies that make our children want to hurt themselves. How can we fix that? Is that even possible?

…It would be faster if I could make it echo. How do I do that?

= = = =

It made me start asking myself, what is the smallest unit of a human being? I don’t mean zygotes or DNA, I mean the common thinking feeling denominator of being human? I spent months and months on this question trying to figure it out, knowing that it was important and not really being sure WHY it was important, but it was.

And then finally, one day, it hit me. Our common denominators are all emotions…fear, weakness, joy, love, laughter, pain…all of us feel those things. That is important…but why? Why is that important? It was driving me in this weird way, knowing that there was something important there but not understanding what it was.

= = = = =

In the Otherworlds, emotion is practically currency….I mean, you can’t buy things with it, there aren’t things to buy in the same way, but everything you do, every person or thing you talk to, all the discussions are steered by your emotional state. If you are a kind and loving person, you have kind and loving interactions. If you have done your shadow work, the interactions are stable. If you have not…well…chaos can ensue. It doesn’t always, but its not unusual.

= = = =

There’s this roleplaying game called Wraith where your in-game powers are driven by Pathos, the more emotional something is, the more you can power it and drive it. Rage filled ghosts can do extreme things like possess people or become poltergeists.

= = = =

Emotion vs. Passion. Emotion is the thing you feel. Passion the amplitude at which you feel. You can love someone (emotion) or you can LOVE someone so much that you will jump in front of a bullet (passion).

Passion is the depths and heights of the sine wave of whatever you feel. It’s not what you feel. It’s how much bandwidth the signal requires. What you feel is how long the wave is from left to right. Your passion is how tall the wave is from top to bottom.

What you feel is the note. Passion is the volume.

= = = =

Heal the world. Heal yourself. Emotions are the common denominator. Two strings vibrating. The heart of the candle, the heart of the sun, the drop of water, the breadth of the ocean, magic answers need, be your weirdness, there is too much hate here, echoing strings, the weakness of infants, emotions have power.

BAM.

= = = =

Every human knows what it is like to be weak. To be helpless. To have to depend on other people for light, for love. Every human somewhere remembers in the same way the candle does what it is to be whole. Independent, Loving, Complete. Everyone craves it (possibly the candle craves it too, to be one with its source….that will require more thought) craves wholeness.

I have been struggling my whole life for this. Originally because I thought I was having children and I didn’t want to do to them what was done to me. It was important that I heal so that I didn’t do more damage. I damaged people who loved me because I was so broken I couldn’t believe that they loved me, even when they did. I told them they didn’t and they just didn’t know…they THOUGHT they loved me, but they didn’t.

(Gods help me, I gaslighted people and not even on purpose. I was just so lost, I assumed that anyone who loved me was also lost. I am so sorry. So very sorry. And I still love.)

But my healing…it has a resonance. And there are so many people like me, who have gone through the same things, who are also trying to heal.

These fears, these pains, they are the common denominator for all of us. By putting them out there, you resonate too, because you feel those things, you know them.

= = = =

Which means as I heal, if you can imagine those things, you can resonate and change too.

I am going to say that again because it’s really important.

As I heal, if you can imagine those things, you can resonate and change too.

= = = =

It’s just the string echoing. It’s not something you have to DO, it’s something you have to LET HAPPEN. Don’t over think it.

Just Be.

= = = = =

Keep reading these posts, these notes. They’re also on my website going back for several years because I moved them over when FB lost the Notes feature. The writings go back as far as 2009, but you would probably do best starting here and moving forward. This is where the note starts sounding, and where the healing starts. http://brujahquemando.com/wordpress/?m=201412

Just read them, and feel them, and just be. Sit with the thoughts, don’t rush to the next one. Let them perk in your brain and just THINK them and FEEL them. Especially FEEL them.

All this healing may be easier than you think. I mean, that’s the hope.

But what have you got to lose?

Midwest Shaman’s Conference – 2019

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To be in community is such a joyful thing. To be surrounded by healers is such a loving space, so safe and nurturing, and there is no place I would rather be.

People in the “real world” (what’s “real” anyway? The physical? Things you can touch? Then what is Love? What is Pain? Of course the intangible is Real, it’s ALL real, even the hallucinations are real, because they consist of human experience…if the thing that never happened just happened to you, then I guess you had an experience of some kind, and that makes it real…bends your brain, it does…) The people in the real world say I am Earthy, that I am an Earth Mother, and I always felt so physical around that. “The hugs,” they say, “There are no better hugs,” and there’s a sensual aspect to it, and a size aspect too…I am large, roundish, curvy, there is an earthiness to my presence. I get that. But I have always attributed it to the “realness” of me. I struggle to remain Real, sometimes.

I have one foot in this world and one foot out sometimes, listening to the things you say and following the threads of your tapestry to see where they lead…is that your parents that did that? Where are they leading you? Is this a place you want to go? Will you be happy?

I always learn things at the Midwest Shaman’s Conference. Sometimes the messages are incredibly intense, like a download from the ineffable, (I had a conversation with a tree two years ago that STILL leaves me wondering about how much they talk to each other and how, follow the MSC tag if you want to read more on that), I come back to this world and every time I’m a little more Luna Lovegood and a little less Me. I had no idea what I would learn this time.

Everywhere I went, people wanted to tell me about me. It was strange to hear it over and over in so many places. At first it was the hugs, how much they missed my hugs or wanted more, and I am happy to give them…I’m ecstatic to be a source of joy to the people that I love so much and admire. The people I consider my Elders and my Peers. It brings me joy to think they want to be close to me. It makes me feel abundant, that my life is abundant, that I am overflowing with opportunity for genuine trust and love with all kinds of people from everywhere, and I feel humbled and blessed and loved.

But it didn’t stop. People were thanking me for my presence. For my questions. (To be fair, I ask some super detailed questions on a deeper level because I really THINK about this stuff, how it works, WHY it works, How much of this is psychosomatic? How much of this is Placebo Effect? How can I tell? And does it really matter as long as it works?) and telling me how I had such “good energy,” and I get that if you know me. But some of these people were strangers…people I had never really spoken to that were picking up my energy from the other end of the room. It was a little confusing. I was skeptical. Questioning. Even people who normally appeared somewhat stoic to me were “bouncing” because they were going to see me.

Hmph.

Another said, “You are starting to become an authority figure in this community.” Seriously? When did that happen? I mean, I want to help, but I don’t help out as much as I feel I should, I am always lacking, always afraid someone will send me home because I don’t do enough. When I relax and do less it is always layered with fear, even if I don’t allow it to control me. It’s a trust fall, letting my community catch me and just kind of hoping there won’t be a reprimand further down the line.

“It’s because you are Stable,” another said, and I thought, “Stable? I mean, that goes with the Earth thing, but I am SO not stable! I’ve moved so many times! I barely can track my own schedule! I always feel like I am one step away from my whole life just falling to pieces because I can’t keep track of time, and I don’t feel like I use my calendar well enough. I feel so consistently JUST off balance…”

And then she explained it. “It’s because everyone here knows if they have a problem, you will listen. You won’t judge. You will hold space and offer some advice of some kind. You are stable because you make yourself available to provide.” (And how does she even know this about me? I’m not sure.)

That’s a lot of information. I was processing it, and I remembered in another class there was a woman with a HUGE energy field, very definitely an Elder, and people were telling her how…I guess telling her how LARGE she was…her presence in the room is the kind of thing that makes you sit up straight because someone who knows something is watching, someone who you would be lucky to get an audience with, someone who you may need to ask questions of someday, she is there and you don’t want to look like an idiot so when you need her she won’t be remembering you as “that idiot from last year.” She had trouble believing that that was how she was perceived. She said, “Me? I’m a Teddy Bear!” and I said, “Excuse me….I’m super outspoken and a little obnoxious and *I* couldn’t introduce myself to you. I had to ask someone else to introduce me because your energy field is so huge,” and in that moment I realized that I was doing the same thing she was…I wasn’t seeing the thing that everyone else was telling me was there. I have to trust them. They all see it, and they didn’t team up to get me to believe it. (honestly, you can’t really herd Pagans…it’s kind of like herding cats…we’re just not that organized.)

So as the strangers came up to me and thanked me for my presence, as people I met told me they loved me because I laughed so often, or that my hugs were wonderful, or that they were grateful to be in my presence, I just tried to remember what the Elder told me two conferences ago.

“Look at yourself and Rejoice,” he said, “the way WE rejoice when we see You.”

Yes. I feel like it’s beginning to sink in.

Finally.