To be in community is such a joyful thing. To be surrounded by healers is such a loving space, so safe and nurturing, and there is no place I would rather be.

People in the “real world” (what’s “real” anyway? The physical? Things you can touch? Then what is Love? What is Pain? Of course the intangible is Real, it’s ALL real, even the hallucinations are real, because they consist of human experience…if the thing that never happened just happened to you, then I guess you had an experience of some kind, and that makes it real…bends your brain, it does…) The people in the real world say I am Earthy, that I am an Earth Mother, and I always felt so physical around that. “The hugs,” they say, “There are no better hugs,” and there’s a sensual aspect to it, and a size aspect too…I am large, roundish, curvy, there is an earthiness to my presence. I get that. But I have always attributed it to the “realness” of me. I struggle to remain Real, sometimes.

I have one foot in this world and one foot out sometimes, listening to the things you say and following the threads of your tapestry to see where they lead…is that your parents that did that? Where are they leading you? Is this a place you want to go? Will you be happy?

I always learn things at the Midwest Shaman’s Conference. Sometimes the messages are incredibly intense, like a download from the ineffable, (I had a conversation with a tree two years ago that STILL leaves me wondering about how much they talk to each other and how, follow the MSC tag if you want to read more on that), I come back to this world and every time I’m a little more Luna Lovegood and a little less Me. I had no idea what I would learn this time.

Everywhere I went, people wanted to tell me about me. It was strange to hear it over and over in so many places. At first it was the hugs, how much they missed my hugs or wanted more, and I am happy to give them…I’m ecstatic to be a source of joy to the people that I love so much and admire. The people I consider my Elders and my Peers. It brings me joy to think they want to be close to me. It makes me feel abundant, that my life is abundant, that I am overflowing with opportunity for genuine trust and love with all kinds of people from everywhere, and I feel humbled and blessed and loved.

But it didn’t stop. People were thanking me for my presence. For my questions. (To be fair, I ask some super detailed questions on a deeper level because I really THINK about this stuff, how it works, WHY it works, How much of this is psychosomatic? How much of this is Placebo Effect? How can I tell? And does it really matter as long as it works?) and telling me how I had such “good energy,” and I get that if you know me. But some of these people were strangers…people I had never really spoken to that were picking up my energy from the other end of the room. It was a little confusing. I was skeptical. Questioning. Even people who normally appeared somewhat stoic to me were “bouncing” because they were going to see me.

Hmph.

Another said, “You are starting to become an authority figure in this community.” Seriously? When did that happen? I mean, I want to help, but I don’t help out as much as I feel I should, I am always lacking, always afraid someone will send me home because I don’t do enough. When I relax and do less it is always layered with fear, even if I don’t allow it to control me. It’s a trust fall, letting my community catch me and just kind of hoping there won’t be a reprimand further down the line.

“It’s because you are Stable,” another said, and I thought, “Stable? I mean, that goes with the Earth thing, but I am SO not stable! I’ve moved so many times! I barely can track my own schedule! I always feel like I am one step away from my whole life just falling to pieces because I can’t keep track of time, and I don’t feel like I use my calendar well enough. I feel so consistently JUST off balance…”

And then she explained it. “It’s because everyone here knows if they have a problem, you will listen. You won’t judge. You will hold space and offer some advice of some kind. You are stable because you make yourself available to provide.” (And how does she even know this about me? I’m not sure.)

That’s a lot of information. I was processing it, and I remembered in another class there was a woman with a HUGE energy field, very definitely an Elder, and people were telling her how…I guess telling her how LARGE she was…her presence in the room is the kind of thing that makes you sit up straight because someone who knows something is watching, someone who you would be lucky to get an audience with, someone who you may need to ask questions of someday, she is there and you don’t want to look like an idiot so when you need her she won’t be remembering you as “that idiot from last year.” She had trouble believing that that was how she was perceived. She said, “Me? I’m a Teddy Bear!” and I said, “Excuse me….I’m super outspoken and a little obnoxious and *I* couldn’t introduce myself to you. I had to ask someone else to introduce me because your energy field is so huge,” and in that moment I realized that I was doing the same thing she was…I wasn’t seeing the thing that everyone else was telling me was there. I have to trust them. They all see it, and they didn’t team up to get me to believe it. (honestly, you can’t really herd Pagans…it’s kind of like herding cats…we’re just not that organized.)

So as the strangers came up to me and thanked me for my presence, as people I met told me they loved me because I laughed so often, or that my hugs were wonderful, or that they were grateful to be in my presence, I just tried to remember what the Elder told me two conferences ago.

“Look at yourself and Rejoice,” he said, “the way WE rejoice when we see You.”

Yes. I feel like it’s beginning to sink in.

Finally.