Tag Archives: dysfunction

I need to just cut myself some slack.

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This has been a busy busy month.

Of course there’s christmas/yule, and there’s trying to get my act together.  I’ve completely gotten caught up in taking care of our cat, Gehenna, who is 21 years old.  We’re trying to value the time that we have with her, but she’s starting to lose weight and lose weight and not eat, and it’s very distressing.  She got kidney disease a couple of years ago, and we’ve been giving her a subcutaneous drip every night to help take some of the pressure off her kidneys.  She’s been super good about it, and she takes all her meds without too much drama.  She’s adorable, really.  She’s hard to get good pictures of because all-black kitties are notoriously hard to get photos of because of lighting, but this is her:

(I had to edit that top photo and turn up the lighting on it so you could see her.)

So anyway, that’s a thing, and I’m also doing more cooking.  So that means that I’ve had less time for self-care….and I have a tendency to self-neglect, so my self-care is usually the first thing that goes.

I’ve been working from home, too, and Rob has been switching back and forth from days to midnights and back, so figuring out what day of the week it is has been challenging.  I’m focusing on my job, getting and keeping it organized as I go back and forth to work, but it’s hard and I need to be innovative for that, so that also subtracts from my self-care.

Honestly, I considered it a win when I bought a wet-brush and just detangled my hair.  I need a haircut so badly I’ve literally spent time crying about it.  But it feels like there’s no time, each moment of my day is spent caring for us as a family, or caring for the cat like a child.  Gehenna wants to be held all the time, and it’s like having a toddler.  Sure, I don’t HAVE to hold her just because she’s climbing all over me, but if I don’t, how badly will I feel when I don’t have her anymore?

I feel like I just have to accept this is where I’m at and work with that.  So I’m trying to fit myself in sideways.

I’m also trying to deal with myself as an artist.  I have issues with the fact that most of my art isn’t “original art” meaning that I didn’t draw them from scratch from pencil to finished product.  Often I’m taking pieces of ideas from the internet, whether that’s photographs, or clip art, or whatever, and putting them together to make something else.  My friend Risa says that that has always happened, and as long as I’m not taking the original art and claiming it as mine, as long as I’m crediting the original artist, getting their permission if I can, and putting it together in an entirely new medium, then it’s just art because my combination in my medium is something that never existed before.

I don’t know how I feel about it.  I’ve been beating myself up because my art isn’t realistic enough, and then I see images like this by other artists that are beautiful and NOT realistic, and are definitely, DEFINITELY, Art.  (This was on pinterest).

So I’m kind of struggling with the idea that I don’t know what my own art style is because I don’t do enough original stuff, and then I sit down with something to do an original thing, and I just stare at the blank wood and do nothing but hate myself.

I mean really.  I sit there and hate myself and my lack of ability to move forward.

So I’m struggling with that piece of acceptance….just accepting that ALL of this is art.  That it shouldn’t matter as long as it brings me joy, that I should just keep going no matter what, and who and what I am as an artist will take shape on its own.

It’s hard.  I feel like I have a skillset, but not the ability to design.  I guess that’s it.  And no one can be good at everything, right?

And I DID design this thing, even if it’s not very complex.

I should just cut myself some slack.

This is me, learning how to do that.

Spring Equinox – 2020

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I’ve been thinking about the Spring Equinox…and what that means in the face of the Corona Virus and Quarantines. I mean, the equinox is a place of balance…it’s in the name, (Equi-nox, equal night) and things feel so out of whack right now. I mean…empty shelves in the supermarket? An inability to buy toilet paper? Who’da thunk it?

But panic is what happens when you don’t trust the people in charge of your well being.

I mean, ask any child who grew up in an abusive household. This is where we’re at, all the disenfranchised folks, whether that’s women, people of color, (any color), the less able-bodied, the elderly, the non-binary, the non-neuro-typicals, the homeless, the poor, the non-christian…all of us have been heading for this point for a long time. This is a dark place this place that we’ve come to. This is a tipping point.

In February, for Imbolc, (and I’m not sure how much of this is actual history and how much of it is my personal philosophy after watching the Wheel turn year after year and observing the cycles) there is a quickening that happens. Imbolc is symbolically the “home stretch,” meaning that, if you survived winter through Imbolc, you were likely going to survive the winter. But it’s also a time period for the planet….if the planet begins to give birth in the spring, when does she get pregnant? At Imbolc. That time period when there is mostly dark, and one spark of hope…which can take the form of a candle in the darkness, the light at the end of the tunnel, or the sperm heading for the womb as the spark of life. Life brings hope. It’s the way of things.

So here we are, heading for Spring, and there is all this darkness. Here comes the equalness of night and day, the balance of the two…and yet everything feels so dark still. Interesting how we have to withdraw, go into our homes, spend time alone with ourselves. How did we get here?

I have my opinions on that, mostly about poor leadership…but I’m not sure at this point in time that it matters. What matters is, what are we going to DO about it?

People make all this fuss about the EQUALITY of day and night at this time, and I find that really ironic. Because that equality, which is absolutely valid, only lasts for a SPLIT SECOND of time. Light is increasing, its sine wave is traveling uphill, and Dark is decreasing, it’s sine wave is traveling downhill, and the equinox is that moment when they cross. That’s it. It’s just a moment. (I mean, I think it was Mr. Miyagi that said, “…it’s not so old if you are a tree….” and in that perspective, the historical perspective, even if night and day were equal for a full 24 hours….that’s one 365th of the year. .0027 of the year…and you get to double that for the second equinox if you like. It’s still a tiny tiny fraction.)

The important thing to me, at the equinox, is “who is rising right now? Who is getting stronger?” and right now, that’s the light. The light is getting stronger.

Stronger light means stronger shadows. It means things can be seen clearly. It means it becomes easier to tell what is what by just looking, without having to work so hard to figure it out.

So take a look at yourself right now, in your panic and anxiety. In your annoyance with those who panic. In your frustration at being cooped up at home. In your disgust at how we treat each other, or what we’ve allowed to come to pass. Take a look at the actions that have been done to defend you or protect you. A look at the actions that hurt you. Politically there have been many promises made…but actions speak louder than words…are you really protected? Are you really cared for? Has this pandemic demonstrated that anything like your situation is being considered? Who is providing for your bills? Your health? Your food? Is your job helping you? Or is your leadership? Is your family? Are your friends?

In this crisis, who has been fighting for you to make sure you are okay? And who seems to just not give a fuck?

The light is coming. It’s dark right now….but one could easily say that this pandemic has showed us the true colors of the people around us. That in itself is enlightening. It is sad, but it is truth. Don’t shut your eyes to the truth.

For the Spring Equinox, I ask that you use the light to truly see what is happening. To see who is taking advantage of you. To see who really cares about your well-being. I pray that you use this light and shine it into the dark corners people sometimes use to hide from the truth.

I hope that what you find doesn’t make you too sad. It is a time of darkness right now, after all. But the light is coming. Like the seeds in springtime, reach for the light.

I pray that you use it to truly see, see all the beauty and all the ugliness….and act accordingly.

…And by “act accordingly,” I mean, “make decisions,” about who and what you keep, who and what you let go…and who (and what) you vote for in the future.