Tag Archives: Family

When you feel peck-ish

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I’ve been thinking about this for a while…I posted it on one of my spiritual groups, but not all of my friends are on that, and this is actually more materially based, kind of. I mean, the mental maintenance is a little of both…mental stress can cause physical illness or dysfunction in the workplace, but it can also get in the way of spiritual processes…we can be too stressed to meditate, pray, study, or whatever it is we do to bring ourselves closer to Wholeness, Oneness, or our Deity of Choice.

I remember when I was doing a lot of martial arts study (there was a period in my life when I spent a few years doing this, that or the other, until I fell into Kung Fu like a big fluffy bed and lived there for the longest) that I realized that people do with their mind what they do with their body. Those people who were manically focused on defense were also manically focused on not letting anyone become close to them emotionally. (Ironically, I was super focused on in-fighting and blind-fighting. There is something super fascinating to me about being able to hit a target I’m not looking at. So I guess that translates into being super-aware of my world, possibly manically so…but it’s never been out of fear, its been out of enjoyment. It feels like when you’re fishing and a fish strikes the line…it’s this hyper-focus thing… in-fighting, is this super-intimate kind of sparring where you’re really close together and don’t have room for a full swing, so it’s all elbows and wrist strikes. Make of that what you will…I’m digressing.)

So anyway, in the same way I do microcosm-macrocosm thinking, I do the same thing with mind and body, back and forth, and always with a martial arts head…how is my stance? Am I stable? Do I retain my physical power/personal power in this physical stance/emotional position? Am I wasting energy? And (in the way of the Eastern arts) is this beautiful to me? Do I feel at peace?

Fast forward to the last year, where I am having regular conversations with a nutritionist. All of the major stuff is not important to this particular topic…what IS important is an off-hand comment she made as a hint for how/when to eat. “Do not eat when you are hungry,” she said. “Eat when you feel peckish.”

I, like many of you, lead a busy life, and I have many responsibilities both at work and at home that kind of forced me to not think about eating. In order to eat her recommended 5 meals a day I had to set an alarm on my phone and force myself to eat, even if I wasn’t hungry.

This was hard. It felt stupid. But I did it. And eventually I started learning to notice that I was starting to feel hungry and I put it aside because I just wanted to finish this project I was on. The same thing was happening with taking a pee break….I kept thinking, “let me just finish this one thing,” and then a phone call would come, and then I would get caught up in a project, and all this time would go by when I would suddenly go, “omg I really gotta pee,” and have to go right away. I was doing this with my hunger, putting off eating until I was really really hungry, and then eating an enormous amount to deal with it, which really isn’t good for your body.

So recently, I made one of these mind/body connections that I’ve been sitting on to really digest, as it were. Because what I’m doing with my body, I’m doing with my mind.

My job has become more stressful this year for multiple reasons, and there is EVERY sign that this is going to get worse before it gets better. High Holy day season starts now in the back office, and that means the workload and expectations will only increase, and help is not coming. I have to evaluate that seeing as stress is one of those things that really impacts me in a bad way. (I lose sleep, I get sick, I cry, I feel powerless and helpless, and I don’t want to do that to myself this year.) I was thinking about how to maintain it, and this kind of light bulb went off in my head.

Don’t self-maintain when you NEED it.
Self-maintain when you’re THINKING about MAYBE needing it.

I wasn’t sure if it was valid or if it would work, so I started incorporating it into my practice. I had a day where I was just having a hard time with the idea of going to work. I knew I could make myself do it, it was what I had always done before, but for a change I decided to take a mental health day. I didn’t have any plans, I just was going to stay home and do whatever my body wanted to do that day, and I followed it around the house, sometimes cleaning, sometimes cooking, sometimes napping or playing video games. But I let it kind of steer me around and do what it needed and the next day when I came back to work I was SO refreshed…like, way better than a weekend. I had “topped off my tank” and this has lasted more than a week now, in spite of other stresses, so I’m going to say it works.

I’m spending more time listening to my body lately. I’m checking in with myself during my work day. I imagine that, for people that had normal, healthy upbringings (the 2 or 3 of you that are out there, I’m sure you must exist) that this is second nature to you…but for me, when you grow up in a dysfunctional environment survival trumps EVERYTHING… you put all your needs on hold to survive. But I’m not just surviving anymore, I’m learning how to really THRIVE, and if I’m going to do that, I can’t keep acting as if I’m barely surviving.

My stance is good. I am balanced. I’m at peace. Thriving is like blind-fight sparring. You can’t really see what’s coming, but there’s these beautiful moments of connection where the world comes together and you can see your place in it. With practice and care, nobody gets hurt, and there’s this sense of surfing the currents of the world.

Take the break when you think you MIGHT need one, not when you are SURE you need one. The break can be taking a work-from-home day, or a full day off. It can be calling a friend on your lunch break. Or reading a book. Or whatever brings you peace. Bring your artsy-craftsy stuff to work and go in a back room to do it, or sit in your car. Anything. But BEFORE you NEED it. As soon as you START WONDERING IF you need it.

It makes more of a difference than you think it will.

I wish you peace, contentment, and a good, strong, balanced stance.

A Thank You for my Gamers.

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Written after Dexcon.

I miss you all already. And because I did, I wanted you to see you how I see you. You are all so very beautiful to me. Thank you for a wonderful con, and for being such wonderful stories yourselves.

= = = = = = =

I am a sensual creature. I do not mean this in the sexual sense, which would be far too limiting. I mean it literally. I am very conscious that every sense I have in my body is used for data processing, and all my senses are input. I see and feel connections everywhere. In this place where four or five days are spent almost entirely in a consensually agreed-upon reality, where gender is a construct with so many nuances and flavors, where the only moral rules are that we respect one another’s right to exist and imagine, there are the senses I have in my body as I sit at the table, and the senses of the creature I am playing as I roll dice or pull cards to determine outcomes. My nature is to dive deeply.

I love that I find every-thing here. I love that every sensation I choose to create comes in so many nuances and subtle flavors, like a fine wine with notes of honey and an aftertaste of chocolate. I love that I say, “GIVE ME DESERT,” and the people around me respond with so many flavors I can choose exactly the thing I crave.

I say, GIVE ME DESERT and they say,

“I give you dustbowl, Stetson, spurs.”

“I give you Magic, flames, dragons sandstorms, Djinn.”

“I give you a place at the bottom of the ocean where the waters fear to tread.”

“I give you oasis, lush land surrounded by sand that calls to you to see what lies beyond.”

 

I say, “GIVE ME FLIGHT,” and they say,

“I give you wings.”

“I give you cape.”

“I give you trance, soaring great distances with your mind.”

“I give you a beast to ride, I give you Dragon, Gryphon, Winged Horse, Giant Owl.”

“I give you plane, I give you ship.”

“I give you Mouse in the claw of Owl.”

 

…Among my people, “Flight,” is such a feeble request. It should be done with style.

 

EveryoneTalkingAtOnceEveryoneTalkingAtOnceEveryoneTalkingAtOnce

and me

Mostly listening, sometimes talking

Feeling surrounded by minds who make imagination into ART

Feeling plugged into something so huge it is literally

Everything

At

Once.

I believe we are the stories that we tell, that the things we repeat are the things we choose to remember, sometimes they are fables and lessons, and other times they are shining moments of pride or glory. This place gives them to me, gives them to the people around me and for a moment I see flashes in every room, as a dice roll brings cheers or groans, as people have epiphanies or fall from great heights, like angels. Like shaman, we bring these pieces of ourselves back home, the stories become part of who we are, what we admire or adore. We polish them and share them with others of our kind, or sometimes bring them to newcomers to see if they resonate. We share the stories with children, in the hope that they will admire the things we do, that they will become the next generation of this thing that we are.

All my senses are here. I taste beer, water, tequila, rum, mountain dew, lemonade, iced tea, caffeine, caffeine, caffeine.

I smell the humidity of air conditioning, a light (thank goodness, we are not always that lucky) smell of sweat, and the odors of food deliveries and coffee…always coffee.

I hear so many things, dice rolling, cards turning and flipping, snapping down like an act of war, I hear the seductive whispers of demons and gods, the lure of missions (should you choose to accept them), the groans of zombies, the scratching sound of something in the next room that has no name, the promise of a chance to be a legend, the roaring (or hissing) of a watching crowd.

I see hair in so many colors, more genders than I have names for, smiles everywhere. I see long multi-colored scarves and bow ties, animal ears and horns, face paint, shirts with jokes that only this community would understand, and all these things connect me like a hard wire line into a culture where morality is at first clear-cut and then smudged because blurred lines make it more interesting, where villainy has value, where deeds, interests, depth…these things are the coin of the realm.

I feel so many things. I feel the snugness of slipping into a hole that has been shaped exactly just for me. I feel like the eye of a storm looking around at all the stories that surround me, loving each one of these people so very much because I see myself in them, and I love myself, so I cannot help but love them. I love how their imagination is so fertile that they can grow anything in total darkness.

I have discerning tastes. I mean that literally as well, it comes with the Deep Dive. I mean that I discern, I roll experiences around in my mouth to find the subtle flavors and scents in them. I know my friends by the way they raise their arm to accommodate me as I sneak under to be held as they discuss the finer points of the plaything I have asked them to provide. They pop out of the woodwork like seductive merchants at an outdoor market.

“I have a desert,” says one, “so dusty and dry, that tumbleweeds are the dominant life form. There is a legend they are going somewhere to meet up together. Would you like to find out what they’re planning?”

“Nonsense,” says another, “I have a desert that has been burned into volcanic glass by dragons. No one can walk across the Million Bladed Desert because the shards of glass cut them to ribbons. But if you tame a dragon…”

“If you have a more discerning palate,” says a third, “The Desert of Abandoned Dreams would be far more to your liking…”

They make art on the fly, tell stories so intriguing I want to hear them all, play them all. I want to know how it would feel to be evil and fall in love…would I destroy the thing that would save me? Would I redeem myself? Which is the better story? What mood am I in today?

We are grouped together by interests, self-chosen to be heroes (and villains), and sometimes to explore aspects of ourselves, try them on for size, see if we want to take them home for a more permanent arrangement.

It’s really no secret why I miss you all. Why I want to go back. Why five days is not enough for me. Why twice a year is not enough.