“Mowg doesn’t have a race….”

We were at her house for a study session, and discussing racism and some of the various issues inherent with it, her, her husband, and I. I am painfully aware that most racism just stems from ignorance….people don’t really WANT to be racists…they just don’t have enough friends of any particular race so they make assumptions. Or maybe they’re part of a “privileged” race so the problems that other races experience just never occur to them. That’s not hateful or anything. It’s just ignorance. I’m aware that I’m ignorant.  I try really hard to expose myself to many things…not specifically because of racism, but because there are so many ways to see the world and I want to know everything, even if that’s not possible. I want to know what it’s like to be a man, to be a woman, to be a black man, a white man, a latino man, a black woman, a white woman, a latino woman, a gay person, a trans person, a rich person a poor person a homeless person. My life has been enriched because of all of these people. If I don’t try to understand their experiences, I feel like I’m taking from them in a vampiric kind of way. Like I don’t give them back the common courtesy of being their friend.

(I have the best homeless man story. ask me sometime over beer. It was just a very beautiful moment in my life.)  So anyway, after having this discussion with her and her husband, her husband asked me what I was. (I don’t remember if he used the word “race” or “ethnicity” or just the generic “where are you from?”) What I do remember is throwing up my hands and not knowing what the simple answer is. Because my REAL answer is, born hispanic american, raised white, hated my mother so I rejected my hispanic heritage, but I can’t change my color…and I was a latino kid, no question. So I got hit with most of the stupid racist stuff in the summer, but I passed for white in the winter. And I felt guilty about that because my friends were always getting hit with stupid racist stuff that I was managing to avoid, plus it’s a big hispanic taboo to “pass” and not be proud of your heritage. I’ve dated black, white, asian, and latino men, and I’ve picked up habits and language from all of them, and my friends too. Some have been politically active, which has increased my awareness of how ignorant I am.  But me…? I check off “hispanic” on the census. But I don’t know what the hell I am. I was trying to figure out how to say it in one sentence.  Darnise said, “Kathy doesn’t have a color,” and saved me from answering, and not because she was saving me. (Of course, I answered anyway.) But in doing so, she gave me what is possibly the highest compliment I’ve ever received in this area.  She said, “Your only race is Love….how can you assign a color to Love?”

I think about it sometimes when I feel unsure of myself.  I like it better that way. Not having a color. It gives me the opportunity to be loyal to everyone, and to just be human…which is pretty cool if we’re not shitty to each other. Thanks Darnise.