When I go to one of these things…let me start again….I went to Shaman’s Quantum Universe, (now Midwest Shaman’s Conference) an annual event that focuses on shamanic teachings, which are very different from generic pagan things. There’s this shift that happens from that event that takes me time to process, a shift in thought and a bonding with Spirit that happens, and it can be really mind-altering. Last year it was enough to send me into a retreated state for several months, just kind of isolating and thinking, and deciding how much of this I wanted to absorb into my world view, how much time I was willing to dedicate…I keep remembering these turning points in movies, (Lost Boys, “How far you wanna go, Michael?”, Matrix, “You take the Blue pill…,” and now Wonder Woman, “Who will I be if I stay?”) where your life kind of shifts from that point forward, and I keep wondering how close I can get to that line without actually stepping over. I wonder what it means to step over. I really like my life right now. Will this enhance it or shake it around? I don’t know. I just know I keep edging closer to the line and each step is blissful and frightening. Why is it frightening? Responsibility.

If you love someone and you unknowingly hurt them on a regular basis, once you know you become responsible for that. If it’s inconvenient to stop hurting them, if it means you have to sacrifice something you love or enjoy, then you make a choice in that moment about what is more important to you. It’s easier to not see. The more I see, the more responsible I become. The more I need to change.

Shamanism deals with spirits….of the land, of the elements, of the plants, of Deity…they’re all over the friggin place. And it’s not like this nirvana-state like you might think…some of them are cranky, and some are nice, and some are decidedly not-nice, just like people. They have good days and bad days, and you want to not piss them off. The thing that’s amazing is that we can ALL hear them. Anyone can do it. It’s like a skill that gets better with practice, and when you do…well…suddenly you’re in a position of, “Have I been a good neighbor?” Later lessons become things like, “What? You’re not just my neighbor, we’re actually related? Have I been good to my Family?” The responsibility becomes deeper.

I learned two things this particular event. The first is a little complex, so bear with me.

We’re the sum of our experiences, right? All the things that have happened to us, all the lessons we’ve learned, all the people we’ve interacted with, these experiences combine together, meet your intellect, and become your ego/personality/whatever. This has been happening to us ever since we gained intelligent thought, since we were cavemen and trying to figure out how to use a rock or stick we’ve been cataloging experiences and passing them along. The elemental things feel universal and we pass them on to our children. “Fire is HOT,” becomes, “don’t touch the stove.” It’s still a passing on of experience (and some kids will always have to touch the stove for themselves. Some people need to refresh their experiences.)

So this tree told me, (yeah, I know that sounds crazy, but bear with me) that everything we are comes from them. (I’m pretty sure it meant all the elements, not just earth or tree…spirits aren’t always clear when they speak, and you just kind of have to roll with that. We have deficiencies in our language sometimes). It gave me all these pictures that were basically everything we’ve ever been since we were cavemen….our hearth fires to keep our fears away, our homes to shelter from the elements, the cradles we made to hold our children, the toys we made to keep them entertained, the food we ate to nourish ourselves, the medicines from the herbs we grew, even the recording of our knowledge on pages of books made from dead plants. We have libraries of books of knowledge and experiences that came from them. In the end, it said, it comes back to them…books burn, mold, decay. But the things that shaped the human species, that created our current state, that keep record of who we are, they came from Earth.

I got an image of us mowing down rain forests, and I think it’s important to mention there was no malice or anger or resentment…just a feeling of inevitability…that this is all a cycle, and it just happens, and it has always been this way. But I felt guilty, and I apologized, and the tree said basically that cycles happen, it is what it is. I said, “I am so grateful to have you,” and here’s the lesson.

In this tone of annoyance, and frustration, and, I-just-explained-it-to-you-why-are-you-so-thick the tree said, “You ARE me.”

Of course, this would have been obvious if I had the time to think it through. I am the sum of my experiences. Humans are the sum of theirs. So much of what we think and are came from thousands of years of depending on the land. The interconnectedness should be obvious, but it wasn’t. For just one moment I was plugged into the planet, (Highlander, “I AM EVERYTHING! I KNOW EVERYTHING!”) and it was SO much information I got dizzy, the chopping down of rainforests suddenly felt like cutting ourselves (and isn’t it? Isn’t it really a self destructive act when we know we need the air they provide?) and I just needed to sit down.

You don’t want to be rude to Spirit. I just said I had to go, and then I tried to take my leave formally, “Is that okay? I’d like to go sit down and absorb this, it’s a lot of information. Can I go?”

The tree said, “Where do you think you can go that we are not?” (I felt like Rocky up against the ropes, do the hits really need to keep coming?) I realized my furniture is mostly IKEA, wood, that glass has the spirit of Sand/Earth, that I drink coffee every morning, that mugs are made of earth, and so is some of my cookware, that the couch I lay on has a base of metal, the building I live in is made of stone and wood…it was too much, way too much. I went to write it all down right away because this is going to take weeks to absorb.

Because I thought who I am is pretty much set, by my age, by my experiences…and I’m still forming. And all these spirits around me are what are forming me. Forming you. Forming everyone. You may not believe in Spirit, but these things, our creature comforts, they call come from Earth and Fire, Water and Air. These creature comforts mold us.

So that was the first thing I learned. I’m still absorbing. I don’t have the energy for the second thing yet, but I wanted to get this out.