Tag Archives: Elders

Dexcon 2018

Every con is something different, you know? Every time, it’s like falling into this environment, and for me, every time it’s like I’m a different person. As if the Role Play wasn’t enough, I myself evolve in leaps and bounds, sometimes in the middle of the con itself, and sometimes because of long-ranging after effects. It’s literally chemistry, each of us with loose bits and pieces that spin off and connect to others…we bond, we separate, we spin, (or we remain noble, like the gases, and not changing no matter what happens to us). There are catalysts that change us long after we are gone, if we sit, digest, examine. I love being with my people. This time around was me learning that yes, they like to be with me too. I forget that sometimes. The Elder had said, “See yourself the way we see you and rejoice, the way we rejoice when we see you.” There was a lot of looking to see myself in the face of others. I love what I see, so thank you all.

My favorite moments at the con were surprising ones for me. I was overwhelmed by Giganta in her wrestling glory, cracking coconuts on her biceps and roaring. That woman brought so much RP to the table it expanded my capabilities at later games. She, AHT , managed to spread it around for me so I could do and be more later on. Thank you A….I feel like you made me a better gamer. That was run by the lovely JZ, wrestling fan extraordinaire….I think my favorite prop is the microphone and when he does the commentary. It’s just different when you can ask a question and push the microphone into someone’s face, somehow.

In Bulldogs with Brennan I played a character that was physically cute (kind of like the Geico lizard) and every person at the table was so open to rolling with whatever that I turned into a tourist in the bad neighborhood, snapping Selfies when there was a mugging in the background, and doing the equivalent of wearing an “I ♥ NY” shirt and carrying around a map looking at the sky scrapers. It was ridiculous and fun, and I really liked how we all just rolled with that character in the same game as Steve’s raptor, literally trying to kill and eat people for starting trouble with us. Bulldogs is a lovely universe. There needs to be stories written in this venue. Brennan Taylor, is there fan fiction here? There should be.

I was most surprised by the blood lust raised in S’s Velvet Glove game. By the end of the game I had used a soldering iron to brand the words “Not Safe. Do Not Fuck,” on this guy’s chest because he put one of our girl gang members in the hospital. I forget, sometimes, how I have such a vindictive side. It feels like this game is a safe outlet for that. I’ll have to try again to be sure, though, so expect me again at some point, Seraphina, if you’ll have me.

Out of character there were surprises too. KS ran a Swords Without Master game, which ran primarily on storytelling, and only used dice to determine the tone of the story at a given moment. I spent some time rolling around in that, feeling what it was like to have complete freedom, and how we could all be collaborative about that. K had made me feel safe as a player in a different game, which in turn made me realize exactly how UNsafe I had been feeling up until then. (Some burdens you can’t feel until you put them down.) So I jumped on the opportunity to game with him as an ST so I could feel that a bit more. In-character play leads to out-of-character evolution. I’ll take it. I’ll take it every chance I can.

TR and I had a talk which reminded me of a quote from Neil Gaiman. “Just because a story never happened, doesn’t mean it isn’t true.” Sometimes bigger truths are revealed through small fictions. I am grateful to have met these guys, really. All of them are awesome.

I tried gaming with MQfor the first time. I’d do that again, thank you. I’m not sure how I feel about the Seven Wonders system, but I like the IDEA of it very much. I love the front cover of the book too, like anything and everything can and does happen.

I got more JB than I usually get, and that was lovely. I’m so glad he’s not tired of me. I’m absolutely going to do more of that if he lets me. His Bulldogs game with CV was a blast (I loved the Ursemenite claiming to go through rehab and complaining because he got caffeinated iced tea sending it back for a decaf) and like everything in Bulldogs, it’s all gold. His Dune game was awesome too, though I accidentally figured out the plot line very early in the game, I didn’t KNOW I figured it out…so it was like Conspiracy Theory where I didn’t know which theory I guessed was right. I played that twice, once with C and R, and the next with RF and JF. I was just glad to be at the table, and the tone of the two games was very different, which was also interesting.

Final Girl was wonderful as always…a monster movie in the Australian Outback, and one of the characters I invented turned out to be the betrayer of the party. It’s always a wonderful way to end the con. It was great. It also had JB AND KS at the table, so that was like I lucked into a Bonus Round. Super fun all around.

Thank you all. I’ll be around as long as you’ll have me at your various tables!

MSC 2018

Midwest Shaman’s Conference, 2018, driving home. Pouring rain, Amber sleeping in the passenger seat, behind a truck trying to pass a truck, getting hit by both of their spray, having trouble seeing ten feet in front of me. It was a little scary, and we had left early, skipped the Sunday classes because we knew the rain would make the commute home longer. In that moment, although I was glad we had left early, part of me was still there. These are heart-friends…people I trust with my well-being because that is “how shaman do.” The function, the nature, the calling, the pull, the drive, the yearning…it’s all about healing, the different natures of it, cultures of it. It is the truest definition of “safe space” that I can think of, where your ugliness can be pulled out into the open like it was midwifed, and loved into being and wholeness, forgiven, cleansed, and given back to you like a new creature. Transformed through care and forgiveness. It’s a beautiful thing.

I was thinking, you see, of what one of the Elders had told me. He gave us all messages, personal ones, and I was thinking, “Should I share this? Is this even appropriate to share?”

At that moment, that VERY moment, the tiniest of spiders dropped down from my visor in front of my face and hung there.

“I know what that means. Yes, I will share. But this is not safe space, little one.” I caught her by her web and pulled her farther away from my face and she caught on my steering wheel, dangling in the space where I look at my odometer. This was not good. I slowed down and reduced some splash, but I couldn’t have her running around my car while I was driving in the rain…it could get us all killed, Amber, the Spider and Me. I caught her on my hand and put my hand out the window, letting the wind take her, wishing her safe travels…and if she landed in my back seat that was fine…just please don’t mess up my driving.

The message (or at least part of it, the part of it I’m supposed to share…I didn’t get permission for the rest so you just get this) is, “See yourself the way we see you and Rejoice, the way *we* rejoice when *we* see you.” After ritual I thanked him for his blessing and for his presence and his teachings, and he thanked me, said he was grateful for me, (for all of us, not just me, I’m sure) for our willingness to hear the lessons and learn them. I knew he meant it, and that was amazing to me. Grateful for me? Why? I did not contribute, I only absorbed and listened. I am a gnat next to a giant, who is part of a long line of giants and ancestors with a family of creatures I do not know and cannot name. But like I imagine all natural things in the Native world, even Gnat is a brother who has a place and a lesson to teach.

From that moment forward, I became very conscious of how people looked at me, what they said of their experiences of me. So glad that they met me, they said, I was delightful they said, I had such good energy they said….even the ones I didn’t spend any time with. How did they come by this opinion of me, I wondered, if they didn’t spend time with me? If we didn’t have conversations? If they really didn’t know my opinions, or if I was a jerk, or anything? Were they listening to my conversations with other people and deciding that way? How did they come to that conclusion?

I’m not sure that matters.

I think what matters is like, just like when I was figuring out that I wasn’t ugly, that there is a swell of a particular type of compliment. Everyone tells me I give good hugs…that’s pretty standard. The people who tell me do not know each other. They are not making group agreements to all tell me the same thing. There is not some mass conspiracy to make Mowgli believe she is a good hugger, that would be absolutely ridiculous. THEREFORE, it must be true. I must be a good hugger. That’s just logic.

There are some people who just wear their joy on their face. It has nothing to do with me, they just do…and if they light up when they see me, then logic dictates my presence makes them happy. I need to just accept that.

When I was younger, my parents tried to kill me…I’m not dead because the mechanics of making that happen in a way they wouldn’t get arrested created opportunities to survive it…but there is this undercurrent of belief in my life that, it doesn’t matter if people are nice or help provide for my needs….deep down inside, they really just want me to go away. I fight it all the time. It’s a voice I know that lies, it finds small pieces of accidental rejection and tries to blow them into massive truths that are hurtful. I do not bother people with this, I know that it is my Shadow that does this to me, and there is no hole anyone else can fill to make this go away, that it has to come from me. But it’s really not serving me, and I feel like any other junk that I’ve been working on has been resolved enough that I am now ready to let this piece go.

I’m listening now, and watching. I’m ready to believe you. So why is it this piece and no other of the message that I was given that it’s okay to share? Why tell you all this?

Well, duh. Isn’t it obvious? Because you can too. Because all those people who surround you with love on a regular basis, all those people who enjoy your company…they don’t have an ulterior motive either. No conspiracy. They just like you. For realz.

Look for that moment when they see you. Do they light up? If they do, just trust that. They are happy to see you.

And anything else is kind of immaterial, isn’t it? If they love you, then they do. And for now, as you are learning your awesomeness, as you begin to believe that you’re not so terrible, that is the place to start. No one fakes that startled surprise look because it’s almost impossible to fake. When your presence turns up unplanned, that look is Truth.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I can say that just about everyone on here, I am always always always glad to see, and hug and hold and love. Thank you for being patient with me as I learn this thing that you have all learned so easily….how to love ME, accept ME, hold ME. Thank you, collectively, for being happy to see me. I am grateful for this lesson you teach me.

I’m a little late to this particular party, but I’m getting ready. Blessings to you for holding the space until I get there. Sorry I’m late, but I know you don’t hold that against me. Your love is so much bigger than I knew, and I am so sorry I doubted you. I know you forgive me, but I am so sorry.

Gods, you are all so very big together, and I keep crying…but it is a joyful healing cry, and it will stop eventually, and then we can all laugh.

Thank you for holding the space until I can catch up. I am very grateful.

And I will hold the space for you, until you get here. Because you held it for me, and because I love you, and because you are wonderful and strange and unique and confused and loving and doubtful and hurt and looking for light.

I can’t wait for you to get here. Love you so much, and you’ll know that when you see me.

Just wait ‘til you see the look on my face.