I never put out first drafts. I hate them….it takes months of looking back and re-reading before I feel like something is fit for public consumption. (The hazards of vulnerability.)

Spider tells me to put this out there. She says, “Yeah, sure…someone needs this today. But more than that, Nut Up, or Shut Up.”

I choose to Nut Up. I’m not tagging anyone. If you’re meant to find it, you will. I hope it helps.

= = = = = = = =

 

I think when we get older, we get muted.

When younger, love is a primary color

The fierce red like our heart, our blood, our life

The feelings we are so sure we will never feel again, not like this,

not ever like this.

Primary yellow, like our trust,

So open, so vulnerable, so true it steals our breath

And blue, so content to be lost in each other,

To be subsumed by the other,

To sacrifice, to have the chaos of our young adult world stilled to silence

By a whisper, by lips on our neck, sweet silence.

 

When it falls apart we hate in primary colors,

Red rage, Yellow fury, Blue sadness,

We cannot speak of THEM, cannot see them, cannot deal with them

Not even the thought of them

Because we remember what it was like before.

 

I have heard people say they will not trust again, not like that,

Not that open, not that vulnerable, not that stupid.

They will protect themselves they say, and each time, give less, hold back more.

 

I refuse.

Spider tells me to drain it all, every drop. Every experience.

Leave only the husk behind, she says, take all of the joy, all of the pain.

 

As you grow older you learn, it’s not all primary colors…

You can hate and love at the same time.

You can, inexplicably, be attracted to the very thing that hurts you

And you can be strapped into a doomed love affair like a rollercoaster ride

Knowing how it’s going to end

Knowing how it’s going to hurt

Knowing that you can’t get off

Knowing that all you can do is ride it out, and prep your landing.

You learn colors like burnt sienna, and aquamarine, different flavors of love and hate

And you learn that no one is perfect, or even close to perfect

And you accept. You learn. You grow.

 

You rarely see primary colors as an adult. You see orange, or green,

Or mint green, sage green, hunter green, spring green, aquamarine….

But you learn that to truly love someone, you have to love their flaws,

Love their brokenness.

If you cannot love their brokenness, it isn’t love, and you learn to let it go.

 

Spider tells me, Life is like a person.

Sometimes, Life is broken.

And if you want to really love it, really live it, you have to love it as it is.

Don’t avoid the pain, she says, but seek joy.

Always seek joy.

And if you find pain, drain it dry,

treat it no different than joy, or love, or hate.

 

Because to truly be alive, to truly love your life, just like a person,

You can’t just love the parts you like.