Tag Archives: Blessings

Lughnasadh 2019

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Lughnasadh is my favorite holiday, in spite of the spelling challenges it presents. I love this retrospective aspect to it, this kind of leaning on the plow and looking at the fields (“Behold, my field of fucks, and see that it is barren!”) and the work of the year. This is the closest I come to really evaluating how far I’ve come…I really only do this once a year. If my therapist doesn’t make me go deeper, I never really do. I’m too busy moving forward to stand too long and really evaluate it. Mostly, I just look at the year.

First Harvest is your opportunity to Back Out Now Before It’s Too Late. (Not that it’s ever too late. It’s never too late to stop dead and start over.) It’s the opportunity to say, “How much energy am I really putting into this thing? And how much of a harvest am I going to get out of it? What kind of direction is this thing going in?” And This Thing might be a relationship, a job, a hobby, a particular piece of art, it could be anything.

My family has moved many, many times. I stopped counting after the thirteenth move, and I feel like, where most people see stress in moving, I see new opportunities, new people to meet, new places to discover. I don’t mind moving so much.

Or moving on.

One of the advantages of having that lifestyle is that, when you get tired of shit, you just go. Leaving is easy, so much easier than actually sticking it out and working it out. So new job, new friends, new house, new life….whatever. It’s doable. It’s doable at any time.

One of the things I love about Lughnasadh nowadays is the stability I feel. I don’t need to move so much anymore. I don’t need to lose friends and make new ones…my current friends are damned fine people, beautiful people in fact, who are loving and kind and caring and funny and smart, and who don’t take joy in the pain of other people. I like these people. I sometimes worry about adding more, I feel like I don’t spend enough time with any of them, like there’s not enough Me to go around. But when I look at this particular harvest I am amazed with how little effort it takes to receive so much love. I mean, literally, I can just say, “I’m having a hard time today, can I have some extra love?” and they give, give, give in so many ways. This is a good harvest.

My shamanic training is also harvesting well. I wish I could explain it to you, but it’s all too freaky to feel comfortable putting into words. But it brings me joy, and new people to help, and they get really helped by it, not even a little bit. Amazing things happen and I see it evolving. I am grateful as my shamanic vision increases (I’m starting to see things now, so that’s new) and the voices of my ancestors are really clear about doing this thing and not the other thing. It’s such a great place to be.

My job is awesome. A new executive director is coming in and, would you believe it? He’s a gamer! He’s actually made a Call of Cthulu reference! Go figure! And he’s really nice too, and tech savvy, so this should be fun. I didn’t do the work for that particular harvest, other than landing the job and continually doing it, but that counts. I’m grateful.

My marriage kicks ass. For all our difficult conversations, I feel heard and valued. We work together to solve our problems, and it all falls together. I feel supported and loved.

This is a good harvest. Maybe I feel that way because I try to walk the talk as much as possible, and walking that talk brings me to this place. Living my integrity and my truth brings me to the place of balance and peace. I don’t know. But I feel this year I have planted really well. The fruits popping their way out of the soil are the juiciest and sweetest yet.

If your harvests are not bringing you joy, this is your chance. This is where you choose one of three courses of action.

– you back out now and give up on the things that aren’t flowering
– you pay a little closer attention to the things that aren’t flowering and give them a little more energy
– you invest your energy in the things that aren’t flowering, instead of the things that are

Choose wisely. Winter comes for all of us, and you will need things to sustain you. If you evaluate honestly at Lughnasadh, your winter will be easier. There’s a second harvest before the third. You don’t have to cut things dead now if you don’t want to…but you should know the choices that you are making. You should know that you are breathing life into things that may never draw breath. There is nothing wrong with making that choice, nothing at all….but you should be honest with yourself when you make it. The results should not take you by surprise.

I love this holiday because I love the fairness of it. I love how I choose my destiny at this time. I love how the choices I make now have the potential to bring me more joy in the future. I love how my perennials bloom every year with hardly any maintenance at all. I love how I weed every day of the year, so there are no big jobs to plague me at this time. I love the way the coolness of the day starts at sunset, and how watching the sun go down is so relaxing when I know all the hard work is done. I can really rest. My life is really good and I love it.

My wish for you this Lughnasadh is Clear Sight. I wish that you look on your fields with a clear eye and see what is growing and what is not. I wish that you throw your energy into the things that bring you joy, and that you stop tending the things that bring you sorrow. I wish that you see the things that are already dead, and that you also see the things that only need a little more attention to thrive, and that you do not confuse the two.

I wish that you count your Self among your harvests, and that you are pleased with what you see.

I wish the best for you. I wish for your growth, and for your future. I wish for your contentment and peace.

So mote it be.

Midwest Shaman’s Conference – 2019

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To be in community is such a joyful thing. To be surrounded by healers is such a loving space, so safe and nurturing, and there is no place I would rather be.

People in the “real world” (what’s “real” anyway? The physical? Things you can touch? Then what is Love? What is Pain? Of course the intangible is Real, it’s ALL real, even the hallucinations are real, because they consist of human experience…if the thing that never happened just happened to you, then I guess you had an experience of some kind, and that makes it real…bends your brain, it does…) The people in the real world say I am Earthy, that I am an Earth Mother, and I always felt so physical around that. “The hugs,” they say, “There are no better hugs,” and there’s a sensual aspect to it, and a size aspect too…I am large, roundish, curvy, there is an earthiness to my presence. I get that. But I have always attributed it to the “realness” of me. I struggle to remain Real, sometimes.

I have one foot in this world and one foot out sometimes, listening to the things you say and following the threads of your tapestry to see where they lead…is that your parents that did that? Where are they leading you? Is this a place you want to go? Will you be happy?

I always learn things at the Midwest Shaman’s Conference. Sometimes the messages are incredibly intense, like a download from the ineffable, (I had a conversation with a tree two years ago that STILL leaves me wondering about how much they talk to each other and how, follow the MSC tag if you want to read more on that), I come back to this world and every time I’m a little more Luna Lovegood and a little less Me. I had no idea what I would learn this time.

Everywhere I went, people wanted to tell me about me. It was strange to hear it over and over in so many places. At first it was the hugs, how much they missed my hugs or wanted more, and I am happy to give them…I’m ecstatic to be a source of joy to the people that I love so much and admire. The people I consider my Elders and my Peers. It brings me joy to think they want to be close to me. It makes me feel abundant, that my life is abundant, that I am overflowing with opportunity for genuine trust and love with all kinds of people from everywhere, and I feel humbled and blessed and loved.

But it didn’t stop. People were thanking me for my presence. For my questions. (To be fair, I ask some super detailed questions on a deeper level because I really THINK about this stuff, how it works, WHY it works, How much of this is psychosomatic? How much of this is Placebo Effect? How can I tell? And does it really matter as long as it works?) and telling me how I had such “good energy,” and I get that if you know me. But some of these people were strangers…people I had never really spoken to that were picking up my energy from the other end of the room. It was a little confusing. I was skeptical. Questioning. Even people who normally appeared somewhat stoic to me were “bouncing” because they were going to see me.

Hmph.

Another said, “You are starting to become an authority figure in this community.” Seriously? When did that happen? I mean, I want to help, but I don’t help out as much as I feel I should, I am always lacking, always afraid someone will send me home because I don’t do enough. When I relax and do less it is always layered with fear, even if I don’t allow it to control me. It’s a trust fall, letting my community catch me and just kind of hoping there won’t be a reprimand further down the line.

“It’s because you are Stable,” another said, and I thought, “Stable? I mean, that goes with the Earth thing, but I am SO not stable! I’ve moved so many times! I barely can track my own schedule! I always feel like I am one step away from my whole life just falling to pieces because I can’t keep track of time, and I don’t feel like I use my calendar well enough. I feel so consistently JUST off balance…”

And then she explained it. “It’s because everyone here knows if they have a problem, you will listen. You won’t judge. You will hold space and offer some advice of some kind. You are stable because you make yourself available to provide.” (And how does she even know this about me? I’m not sure.)

That’s a lot of information. I was processing it, and I remembered in another class there was a woman with a HUGE energy field, very definitely an Elder, and people were telling her how…I guess telling her how LARGE she was…her presence in the room is the kind of thing that makes you sit up straight because someone who knows something is watching, someone who you would be lucky to get an audience with, someone who you may need to ask questions of someday, she is there and you don’t want to look like an idiot so when you need her she won’t be remembering you as “that idiot from last year.” She had trouble believing that that was how she was perceived. She said, “Me? I’m a Teddy Bear!” and I said, “Excuse me….I’m super outspoken and a little obnoxious and *I* couldn’t introduce myself to you. I had to ask someone else to introduce me because your energy field is so huge,” and in that moment I realized that I was doing the same thing she was…I wasn’t seeing the thing that everyone else was telling me was there. I have to trust them. They all see it, and they didn’t team up to get me to believe it. (honestly, you can’t really herd Pagans…it’s kind of like herding cats…we’re just not that organized.)

So as the strangers came up to me and thanked me for my presence, as people I met told me they loved me because I laughed so often, or that my hugs were wonderful, or that they were grateful to be in my presence, I just tried to remember what the Elder told me two conferences ago.

“Look at yourself and Rejoice,” he said, “the way WE rejoice when we see You.”

Yes. I feel like it’s beginning to sink in.

Finally.